Major Gloat — A Norris infill smoothing plane

Question:

This fall my wife and I spent 6 weeks traveling the New England states and Canada, including New Brunswick and Nova Scotia.  We used two time share trades to stay in New Hampshire and Vermont during the fall color season.  This was one of our best trips ever since we are both retired and can take it easy.  We did a lot of antique shopping. Colorado doesn’t have the good stuff you find in the east, especially tools.  I had researched a little for likely sources, but found that asking for the antique guides given out at better shops in each state gave us a good idea of where to go.  My daughter and daughter-in-law had hinted about a few items they might like for Christmas.  The Dodge caravan was full when we returned to Colorado. I had very good luck finding a bunch of refurbishable Stanley tools. I will post some photos on my web site when I finish tuning and cleaning these tools. Two of the best sites were the Tool Barn outside of Bar Harbor, Maine, and Margaret Scott Carter’s store in Portsmouth, NH.  Both had some great user grade tools, and locked cabinets with the really collectable stuff.  Every time I admired something special, my wife would wave the hand which sports the diamond and emerald ring I bought her for our 40th anniversary, and encourage me to buy it.  I would always reply — "I’m a user, not a collector." I could not believe my eyes when I spotted the Norris A5 (coffin shaped) infill plane at Margaret Carter’s shop on the water front in Portsmouth.  She travels to England twice a year and occasionally locates one to bring back.  She asked me if I would like to examine the Norris — I stammered "Oh no, I could never buy something that fine", but admitted that I would love to examine the famous adjusting mechanism. The plane had obviously been refurbished by an expert, the closed handle beech infill used by Norris on post war planes had been re-lacquered and all steel was clean and bright with only very minor pitting.  The base was perfectly flat and the mouth in good condition. The plane iron was an original Norris with about an inch of good steel left, and the bevel in great condition with only a final honing required.  The patented Norris adjusting mechanism was perfect.  When we left Portsmouth my wife was still trying to talk me into going back and buying the plane. Yesterday we had our family Christmas get-together.  It is a special time when our married children come to our house and we open gifts for the grandchildren — five of them under the age of 8.  There are gifts for the grownups, but Christmas is for the kids, and what a fun time it is!  After all the gifts were opened and the kids busy playing with new toys, my wife said there is one more gift for grandpa.  Inside the box, carefully wrapped in bubble pack was the Norris infill smoothing plane.  My wife and my two children had bought me the plane I had admired for Christmas. — Ken Vaughn Visit my workshop: http://home.earthlink.net/~kvaughn65/

Response:

Congratulations Ken, on both a great plane and a wonderful wife and kids that understand the delight we get in such things. Merry Christmas, Larry – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – This fall my wife and I spent 6 weeks traveling the New England states and Canada, including New Brunswick and Nova Scotia.  We used two time share trades to stay in New Hampshire and Vermont during the fall color season.  This was one of our best trips ever since we are both retired and can take it easy.  We did a lot of antique shopping. Colorado doesn’t have the good stuff you find in the east, especially tools.  I had researched a little for likely sources, but found that asking for the antique guides given out at better shops in each state gave us a good idea of where to go.  My daughter and daughter-in-law had hinted about a few items they might like for Christmas.  The Dodge caravan was full when we returned to Colorado. I had very good luck finding a bunch of refurbishable Stanley tools. I will post some photos on my web site when I finish tuning and cleaning these tools. Two of the best sites were the Tool Barn outside of Bar Harbor, Maine, and Margaret Scott Carter’s store in Portsmouth, NH.  Both had some great user grade tools, and locked cabinets with the really collectable stuff.  Every time I admired something special, my wife would wave the hand which sports the diamond and emerald ring I bought her for our 40th anniversary, and encourage me to buy it.  I would always reply — "I’m a user, not a collector." I could not believe my eyes when I spotted the Norris A5 (coffin shaped) infill plane at Margaret Carter’s shop on the water front in Portsmouth.  She travels to England twice a year and occasionally locates one to bring back.  She asked me if I would like to examine the Norris — I stammered "Oh no, I could never buy something that fine", but admitted that I would love to examine the famous adjusting mechanism. The plane had obviously been refurbished by an expert, the closed handle beech infill used by Norris on post war planes had been re-lacquered and all steel was clean and bright with only very minor pitting.  The base was perfectly flat and the mouth in good condition. The plane iron was an original Norris with about an inch of good steel left, and the bevel in great condition with only a final honing required.  The patented Norris adjusting mechanism was perfect.  When we left Portsmouth my wife was still trying to talk me into going back and buying the plane. Yesterday we had our family Christmas get-together.  It is a special time when our married children come to our house and we open gifts for the grandchildren — five of them under the age of 8.  There are gifts for the grownups, but Christmas is for the kids, and what a fun time it is!  After all the gifts were opened and the kids busy playing with new toys, my wife said there is one more gift for grandpa.  Inside the box, carefully wrapped in bubble pack was the Norris infill smoothing plane.  My wife and my two children had bought me the plane I had admired for Christmas. — Ken Vaughn Visit my workshop: http://home.earthlink.net/~kvaughn65/

Response:

Congratulations Ken, on both a great plane and a wonderful wife and kids that understand the delight we get in such things. Merry Christmas, Larry

It couldn’t be said better. Me too Lyn

Response:

Yesterday we had our family Christmas get-together.  It is a special time when our married children come to our house and we open gifts for the grandchildren — five of them under the age of 8.  There are gifts for the grownups, but Christmas is for the kids, and what a fun time it is!  After all the gifts were opened and the kids busy playing with new toys, my wife said there is one more gift for grandpa.  Inside the box, carefully wrapped in bubble pack was the Norris infill smoothing plane.  My wife and my two children had bought me the plane I had admired for Christmas.

Thou sucketh, bigtime. Have fun with it. Cheers, seasonally adjusted. Saaaaay, if they bought that for you, maybe you’d like some land, too. : http://cgi.ebay.com/aw-cgi/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=531544648 is a real interesting proposition.                 Gator: The other white meat!  http://www.diversify.com  Comprehensive Website Development

Response:

<sniperoo of deserved comments Saaaaay, if they bought that for you, maybe you’d like some land, too. : http://cgi.ebay.com/aw-cgi/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=531544648 is a real interesting proposition. LJ, you definitely have too much time on your hands. LOL!!!!!

I loved the guy’s email address "m-bezzler", too.                 Gator: The other white meat!  http://www.diversify.com  Comprehensive Website Development

Response:

locates one to bring back.  She asked me if I would like to examine the Norris — I stammered "Oh no, I could never buy something that fine", but admitted that I would love to examine the famous adjusting mechanism.

Fatal mistake!  That’s how those b……s get us to spend $$$ on these tools…      <G required.  The patented Norris adjusting mechanism was perfect.  When we left Portsmouth my wife was still trying to talk me into going back and buying the plane.

Can you get your wife to train mine?     ;-D new toys, my wife said there is one more gift for grandpa.  Inside the box, carefully wrapped in bubble pack was the Norris infill smoothing plane.  My wife and my two children had bought me the plane I had admired for Christmas.

You’re a very lucky fella, Ken.   And of course:    you SUCK!!!!!! Cheers Nuno Souto http://www.users.bigpond.net.au/the_Den/index.html

Response:

Good story, Ken, and a great gift!  Let us know when you have pictures of the Norris on your site. Phil — Living In The Woods of Beautiful Bonney Lake Washington Visit My Web Site www.madrona.bizhosting.com

This fall my wife and I spent 6 weeks traveling the New England states

<snip of a great story – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -After all the gifts were opened and the kids busy playing with new toys, my wife said there is one more gift for grandpa.  Inside the box, carefully wrapped in bubble pack was the Norris infill smoothing plane.  My wife and my two children had bought me the plane I had admired for Christmas. — Ken Vaughn Visit my workshop: http://home.earthlink.net/~kvaughn65/

Response:

OK, Phil I was going to wait until I polished it up a little and gave it a protective coating The following pics cannot be reached via the website menu system, but here they are: The plane as seen from the side. http://home.earthlink.net/~kvaughn65/norris_side.jpg A close-up of the adjusting mechanism — the bolt head which secures the cap iron to the plane iron is captured in the hollow cylinder which moves up or down and also pivots from side to side to square the iron to the mouth. http://home.earthlink.net/~kvaughn65/norris_adj.jpg — Ken Vaughn Visit my workshop: http://home.earthlink.net/~kvaughn65/

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Good story, Ken, and a great gift!  Let us know when you have pictures of the Norris on your site. Phil — Living In The Woods of Beautiful Bonney Lake Washington Visit My Web Site www.madrona.bizhosting.com

Response:

WOW, Ken, that Norris is a beauty!  Polish it up and put it to work!  I bet you can’t wait. Phil

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – OK, Phil I was going to wait until I polished it up a little and gave it a protective coating The following pics cannot be reached via the website menu system, but here they are: The plane as seen from the side. http://home.earthlink.net/~kvaughn65/norris_side.jpg A close-up of the adjusting mechanism — the bolt head which secures the cap iron to the plane iron is captured in the hollow cylinder which moves up or down and also pivots from side to side to square the iron to the mouth. http://home.earthlink.net/~kvaughn65/norris_adj.jpg — Ken Vaughn Visit my workshop: http://home.earthlink.net/~kvaughn65/ Good story, Ken, and a great gift!  Let us know when you have pictures of the Norris on your site. Phil — Living In The Woods of Beautiful Bonney Lake Washington Visit My Web Site www.madrona.bizhosting.com

Response:

Boy I screwed up!!

Question:

Hello everyone.    I did something I hope can be fixed rather then spending the bucks for a new one.  The warmer weather got me to working on my  (very old) Flightstar.  I am completly redoing the dash and adding new instruments, and I thought I would add a fuel gauge while at it.  I purchased the Skysports capitance model and after reading the directions, cut a hole 2 3/8" wide for the inside flange mount.    Well, I cut on the outside of the line rather then the inside of the line and now the bottom metal flange doesn’t have enough meat to hold on to to form a good seal.  What I think I should have done was just drill a half inch hole, and pre-drilled bolt holes and then slotted just enough to get the metal flange in.  Anyway my problem is this—-I’ve got a gapping 2-3/8" hole in the top of my 10 gallon tank (plactic) of which I would like to seal and then mount the fuel probe on the other side of the tank.  Anyone have any ideas as to how to do it???   Thanks for your help.     Bob

Response:

BoB: << Change the  tank hole to an ellipse larger enough that, across the minor axis, there is enough distance to clear the mounting hardware of the sender unit; Make an oval plate large enough to cover the hole adequately; Make a backup ring for the oval plate; make two gaskets for the cover plate; Mount the sender unit in the oval cover plate, IAW the OEM’s instructions; Drill mounting bolt holes in plate, gaskets, backup ring and tank for mounting; Mount the cover plate over the tank hole with the backup oval ring and two gaskets sandwiching the edge of the tank between; (gaskets will make disassembly easier with the sealant) Bolt it up in a wet lay-up of (Episeal 20/20, Proseal ??) <<< Somebody correct me if there are better sealants for fuel tanks now.

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Hello everyone.    I did something I hope can be fixed rather then spending the bucks for a new one.  The warmer weather got me to working on my  (very old) Flightstar.  I am completly redoing the dash and adding new instruments, and I thought I would add a fuel gauge while at it.  I purchased the Skysports capitance model and after reading the directions, cut a hole 2 3/8" wide for the inside flange mount.    Well, I cut on the outside of the line rather then the inside of the line and now the bottom metal flange doesn’t have enough meat to hold on to to form a good seal.  What I think I should have done was just drill a half inch hole, and pre-drilled bolt holes and then slotted just enough to get the metal flange in.  Anyway my problem is this—-I’ve got a gapping 2-3/8" hole in the top of my 10 gallon tank (plactic) of which I would like to seal and then mount the fuel probe on the other side of the tank.  Anyone have any ideas as to how to do it???   Thanks for your help.     Bob

Response:

I married a CHILD in a man's body!!!!

Question:

On Fri, 25 Jun 1999 13:40:15 -0400, "Robert" <rs…@catholic.org

wrote: God how I know that one.. Im a man that married a woman that is stuck at the age of 13 (the age her father molested her) She always is scream that she is an adult but is not mature enough to understand that in a marriage BOTH partners have a responsibility in the marriage, ie house keeping, raising the children in a CHRISTIAN enviroment. Instead she leaves the house a mess (stays home with kids all day) complains about how the kids drive her nuts, calls me 3 or more times a day.. most of the time at least once an hour..

What are you doing to fix your marriage? While there surely is more to the story,  it would not surprise me if your wife is clinically depressed … she needs help, perhaps both medication and talk therapy.  Yelling at her, treating her like a child or throwing a Bible in her face is not going to do it. Floridanewbie

Response:

Gogirl <gogir…@my-deja.com writes: I didn’t say "permanently" dependent; but unfortunately, it is not very rare for people to become dependent on their therapist for extended periods of time, even years.

That is not the norm GoGirl.  Sure it happens from time to time.  Ask around; most people have seen a therapist in their lifetime…few have become addicted to them.  I can’t help but think of Woody Allen as you describe this dependency.   You might want to watch "What about Bob" with Bill Murray and Richard Dreyffus.  It is hilarious and is about a guy who thinks that he can’t live without his therapist.  Sure it can happen…but remember one thing…you are in charge, not the therapist.  When you are seeing a therapist and you feel dependent, you either talk about it in a session or you quit.  No one twists your arm to stay. It sounds to me like you might be using this  as an excuse to avoid going for help.  There are many excuses that people use…not everyone is hip on embracing their problems.   ~~~~Don’t spit into the well–you might drink from it later.~~~

Response:

God how I know that one.. Im a man that married a woman that is stuck at the age of 13 (the age her father molested her) She always is scream that she is an adult but is not mature enough to understand that in a marriage BOTH partners have a responsibility in the marriage, ie house keeping, raising the children in a CHRISTIAN enviroment. Instead she leaves the house a mess (stays home with kids all day) complains about how the kids drive her nuts, calls me 3 or more times a day.. most of the time at least once an hour.. Robert 1 Dumb Chick <1dumbch…@my-deja.com

wrote in message

<7klncd$do…@nnrp1.deja.com

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -

I met a man over a decade ago.  It seemed like we fell in love.  We got married.  I knew he had problems because he came from a dysfunctional family, but so what, so did I.  In spite of his past, he seemed strong and capable.  He is brillant.  He was loyal, hardworking and caring. He had terrible relationships before and stated that he was ready to settle with one woman who he could trust.   We had many common interests and the same sense of humor about life.  He had faced the same adversities I had, actually he had faced worse things and survived them.   Our sex life was great. I thought he was the kind of man I had been looking for.  I thought we could grow together.  I thought we understood each other in a world that can be cruel to those who grew up as strangers in their own homes and feel isolated from people who have led more fortunate lives. It has taken a long time to see the truth about my mate.  Years have a way of revealing secrets.  He is a CHILD in a man’s body.  Look, all adults have their moments when they are childlike, and it’s not always a bad thing.  Sometimes we whine or want to be taken care of by our mate.  Sometimes we want comfort that is familiar from our past.  I think a certain amount of that is normal.  The man I thought I married is emotionally stuck at thirteen, the age at which his parents divorced.  He was an only child whose father was distant and uncaring. His mother was an alcoholic and control freak.  All of our parents are dead now, or I would have sent him home to mommy a long time ago.  He is in his forties. I have to leave this man if I am going to survive.  He drains the life out of me.  I am disabled and do not have enough money to live on.  I try to work but get too sick to continue.  My family, never supportive to begin with, wants nothing to do with me.  Because of my husband’s demeanor and my own shame in having trapped myself in this mess, I have no close friends.  He knows how I feel.  I tell him constantly.  He knows that when I find the FIRST opportunity to leave him, I am GONE. This has made his whiny-clingy-temper-tantrum-good boy behavior even worse.  I’ve had a separate bank account for years and tried to save enough money to leave him, though I never seem to save enough.  I am a careful spender.  The husband makes sure the bills get paid.  Any extra money is spent on things we actually use, mostly to keep me from accumulating enough funds to leave him (his words). He does not hit me or blatantly abuse me in cruel ways, again so that I cannot turn to agencies to help me leave.  I have tried everything in my area.  We don’t have any kids, thank God.  The only resources I have been able to find are homeless shelters.  When I called them, I heard things like "this is no place for a woman like you"… lice, bugs, violence, rape, you name it.  My last hope is to try to work for myself at home via the Internet.  I have explained to him that my ultimate goal is to develop enough income for an attorney and relocation.  This has INCREASED his childish behavior. This is my bed and I have to lie in it.  All I wonder is why a person would not want to leave behind a childhood that was miserable in the first place.   Why would someone think another person can make up for a past that cannot be made up for? I have a long way to go, but I have worked DAMNED HARD to put my childhood in the past and become a responsible adult.  I did not get married to take care of some mother’s son who wants to stay stuck.  What is there to gain by staying silly and childish?  This man annoys the hell out of everyone he meets because of his clinging, silly, childlike behavior.  Because he works hard, he is always employed, but gets fired all the time.  I hardly ever go out in public with him anymore.  I’m not interested in having an affair or getting into a relationship after I finally get a divorce.  I fear I am scarred for life.  Sometimes I think I want a MAN, and even think about finding one.  I doubt if I could take the chance on another relationship. I go to counseling.  The child tried counseling with me several times, but got terrified and ran away each time.  Now he refuses any sort of counseling, either with me or by himself.  He thinks the sole problem is that I "have turned mean" and "don’t love him anymore".  I _don’t_love him anymore and I have stopped doing anything close to the mothering he so desperately wants.  I’ve told him to go find someone who can do the job.  Obviously, he can’t. I am sorry this went on so long.  I feel so alone and tired.  This situation is making my health problems worse by the day.  I will keep trying until I find a way out of this situation.  Today, I am filled with loneliness and frustration.  I feel like I just had to tell someone, anyone.  I know I am not alone, there are people who chose mates who wanted a parent and not a lover and are stuck with them. 1 REALLY DUMB Chick Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.

Response:

Gogirl <gogir…@my-deja.com

writes: I didn’t say "permanently" dependent; but unfortunately, it is not very rare for people to become dependent on their therapist for extended periods of time, even years.

What do you mean by "dependent"?  Unable to make decisions without consulting the therapist?  Unable to go on vacations?  Unable to function without calling the therapist first?  What, exactly, are you talking about?  I am in therapy all the time (my choice) and I’m not dependent on my therapist except for her to listen to me when no one else wants to.

And I know individuals who get much better when they leave therapy.

Maybe they got better because of the therapy.

I am not talking about marriage counseling or couples in therapy, however.

Why are they exempt?

Unfortunately this particular profession is not very well regulated, and there are far too many lousy therapists out there.

Easy thing to say but you leave out the part about all the many good therapists out there. Karen

Response:

I didn’t say "permanently" dependent; but unfortunately, it is not very rare for people to become dependent on their therapist for extended periods of time, even years.  And I know individuals who get much better when they leave therapy.  I am not talking about marriage counseling or couples in therapy, however.  Unfortunately this particular profession is not very well regulated, and there are far too many lousy therapists out there. In article <7ktn6d$8p…@carroll.library.ucla.edu

,

  ro…@hhmi.ucla.edu (Karen Ronan) wrote: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> It is rare for people to become permanently dependent > on their therapist. It’s far more common for them to abruptly > terminate therapy before there was time to make the gains that > they need. > Karen > Gogirl <gogir…@my-deja.com> writes: > > My concern about therapy/counseling (individual or couple) is when it becomes > > long-term, and the person or persons become dependent on the therapist or > > counselor.  The goal of any good therapy/counseling should be for the > > individual(s) to develop their own support system so that a professional is > > no longer needed.  There is a great book written by a clinical psychologist > > that addresses these types of issues.  It’s called "Beware the Talking Cure" > > by Terence Campbell, PhD.  I recommend it to anyone considering or in > > therapy.  It gives concrete guidance on what to watch out for and what to > > look for to find quality mental health care. > > In article <7kn3aa$ug…@nnrp1.deja.com

,

> >   1 Dumb Chick <1dumbch…@my-deja.com> wrote: > > > Thanks to all who have taken the time to reply.  You have been honest. > > > I have had to quell the urge to react strongly.  I’m 50 percent of this > > > equation.  Am I missing something?   Maybe I _have_ turned mean.  I > > > have to accept my role in this relationship. > > > In answer to the questions various posters have asked; I’ve tried hard > > > to not be a controlling person.  As I mentioned, my husband grew up > > > with a harsh and controlling mother.  I have tried to encourage him to > > > do things he has expressed interest in, whether I share those interests > > > or not.  One of the qualities I loved most in him was his > > > individuality.  Income?  When I am not employed, he is the primary > > > earner.   When I am employed, our income is usually equal.  We discuss > > > all major expenditures.   He does get frightened when I accumulate any > > > savings.  All bank records are equally accessible on our computer or > > > online, there are no financial secrets. > > > Severe depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder are my > > > disabilities. I hesitated to mention this, because I do not want to be > > > construed as a pity party on wheels.  I am not!  Depression is a > > > medical illness, and it appears to be hereditary. I have been in > > > treatment for many years.  My husband was diagnosed with major > > > depression (among other things) several years ago.  He has been treated > > > briefly in the past and taken medication.  The treatment came to a halt > > > whenever the person he was working with got too close to his history > > > and behavior.  I also have medical problems, one of which will require > > > surgery and an extended recovery period.  I’ve hesitated to go ahead > > > with the surgery until this relationship issue has been settled, > > > because it has sent my PTSD into overdrive. > > > I read the responses and took a hard look inside myself.  Gogirl, > > > especially, made me think.  I _may have become mean_.  Perhaps my > > > husband’s behavior is so irritating because I received almost no > > > nurturing in my past. My parents also divorced when I was very young, > > > and there’s a vast abuse history. My recovery has been centered on > > > forgiving and moving on.  Obviously, I haven’t.  I likely triggered > > > long-forgotten needs in my husband when I began to acknowledge and > > > accept my own.  His behavior makes me angry because it is behavior _I > > > was abused for and not permitted to indulge in!_   Withholding > > > affection due to resentment is a form of abuse.  I had to look in the > > > mirror today and see the very thing I wanted to never become.  I am an > > > _abuser_.  God, that hurts.  Growing up hurts sometimes. > > > I think I wanted a hero.  Instead, I got a human being. > > > I do not know how to handle his childlike needs, because I handle my > > > own poorly.  I cannot abide his temper tantrums, clinging and > > > indecisiveness, but we chose each other because we _understood_ each > > > other.   Why didn’t I seek someone else?   Because, in the beginning, > > > we were well-matched.  Perhaps we lost sight of it. > > > I’m willing to do give-and-take nurturing, even though I’m not good at > > > it.  But I do not like being leaned on or treated like a mother instead > > > of a mate. > > > I have to get some sleep, get up tomorrow and work on my new business > > > venture, and do some more hard soul-searching.  Again, thank you all > > > for your honesty, and further comments are welcome.   Perhaps I can > > > return the favor in the future.  :) > > > 1 Dumb Humble Chick > > > Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ > > > Share what you know. Learn what you don’t. > > — > > Love is a decision. > > Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ > > Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.

– Love is a decision. Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.

Response:

It is rare for people to become permanently dependent on their therapist. It’s far more common for them to abruptly terminate therapy before there was time to make the gains that they need. Karen – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Gogirl <gogir…@my-deja.com

writes: My concern about therapy/counseling (individual or couple) is when it becomes long-term, and the person or persons become dependent on the therapist or counselor.  The goal of any good therapy/counseling should be for the individual(s) to develop their own support system so that a professional is no longer needed.  There is a great book written by a clinical psychologist that addresses these types of issues.  It’s called "Beware the Talking Cure" by Terence Campbell, PhD.  I recommend it to anyone considering or in therapy.  It gives concrete guidance on what to watch out for and what to look for to find quality mental health care. In article <7kn3aa$ug…@nnrp1.deja.com,   1 Dumb Chick <1dumbch…@my-deja.com wrote: Thanks to all who have taken the time to reply.  You have been honest. I have had to quell the urge to react strongly.  I’m 50 percent of this equation.  Am I missing something?   Maybe I _have_ turned mean.  I have to accept my role in this relationship. In answer to the questions various posters have asked; I’ve tried hard to not be a controlling person.  As I mentioned, my husband grew up with a harsh and controlling mother.  I have tried to encourage him to do things he has expressed interest in, whether I share those interests or not.  One of the qualities I loved most in him was his individuality.  Income?  When I am not employed, he is the primary earner.   When I am employed, our income is usually equal.  We discuss all major expenditures.   He does get frightened when I accumulate any savings.  All bank records are equally accessible on our computer or online, there are no financial secrets. Severe depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder are my disabilities. I hesitated to mention this, because I do not want to be construed as a pity party on wheels.  I am not!  Depression is a medical illness, and it appears to be hereditary. I have been in treatment for many years.  My husband was diagnosed with major depression (among other things) several years ago.  He has been treated briefly in the past and taken medication.  The treatment came to a halt whenever the person he was working with got too close to his history and behavior.  I also have medical problems, one of which will require surgery and an extended recovery period.  I’ve hesitated to go ahead with the surgery until this relationship issue has been settled, because it has sent my PTSD into overdrive. I read the responses and took a hard look inside myself.  Gogirl, especially, made me think.  I _may have become mean_.  Perhaps my husband’s behavior is so irritating because I received almost no nurturing in my past. My parents also divorced when I was very young, and there’s a vast abuse history. My recovery has been centered on forgiving and moving on.  Obviously, I haven’t.  I likely triggered long-forgotten needs in my husband when I began to acknowledge and accept my own.  His behavior makes me angry because it is behavior _I was abused for and not permitted to indulge in!_   Withholding affection due to resentment is a form of abuse.  I had to look in the mirror today and see the very thing I wanted to never become.  I am an _abuser_.  God, that hurts.  Growing up hurts sometimes. I think I wanted a hero.  Instead, I got a human being. I do not know how to handle his childlike needs, because I handle my own poorly.  I cannot abide his temper tantrums, clinging and indecisiveness, but we chose each other because we _understood_ each other.   Why didn’t I seek someone else?   Because, in the beginning, we were well-matched.  Perhaps we lost sight of it. I’m willing to do give-and-take nurturing, even though I’m not good at it.  But I do not like being leaned on or treated like a mother instead of a mate. I have to get some sleep, get up tomorrow and work on my new business venture, and do some more hard soul-searching.  Again, thank you all for your honesty, and further comments are welcome.   Perhaps I can return the favor in the future.  :) 1 Dumb Humble Chick Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Share what you know. Learn what you don’t. — Love is a decision. Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.

Response:

Seek and you shall find, so goes the phrase… Its sounds like you are on a journey of self discovery. One that brings many sad and happy thoughts into exsistance. It is not a time to judge the events, but to reflect and grow from them. Your relationship seems co-dependent, although your husband seems more dependent than yourself. Compliment relationships only work for a time, because are needs and wants change constantly and our partners rarely change in the same direction. They always look like they are unsupportive, yet they support personal growth, because it forces you to look at your own neuroses more clearly. To some a good relationship is one where another person behaves the way we want them to and never pushs any of our buttons. But this only succeeds to hold our personal growth back. Its not our job to look for love, but to look at what holds us back from recieving it. Remembering that you will be given situations that you will always be able to deal with and that you are whole as you are. You don’t need anyone to make you complete…you just need to discover that you are. Have fun with your journey… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -1 Dumb Chick wrote:

Thanks to all who have taken the time to reply.  You have been honest. I have had to quell the urge to react strongly.  I’m 50 percent of this equation.  Am I missing something?   Maybe I _have_ turned mean.  I have to accept my role in this relationship. In answer to the questions various posters have asked; I’ve tried hard to not be a controlling person.  As I mentioned, my husband grew up with a harsh and controlling mother.  I have tried to encourage him to do things he has expressed interest in, whether I share those interests or not.  One of the qualities I loved most in him was his individuality.  Income?  When I am not employed, he is the primary earner.   When I am employed, our income is usually equal.  We discuss all major expenditures.   He does get frightened when I accumulate any savings.  All bank records are equally accessible on our computer or online, there are no financial secrets. Severe depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder are my disabilities. I hesitated to mention this, because I do not want to be construed as a pity party on wheels.  I am not!  Depression is a medical illness, and it appears to be hereditary. I have been in treatment for many years.  My husband was diagnosed with major depression (among other things) several years ago.  He has been treated briefly in the past and taken medication.  The treatment came to a halt whenever the person he was working with got too close to his history and behavior.  I also have medical problems, one of which will require surgery and an extended recovery period.  I’ve hesitated to go ahead with the surgery until this relationship issue has been settled, because it has sent my PTSD into overdrive. I read the responses and took a hard look inside myself.  Gogirl, especially, made me think.  I _may have become mean_.  Perhaps my husband’s behavior is so irritating because I received almost no nurturing in my past. My parents also divorced when I was very young, and there’s a vast abuse history. My recovery has been centered on forgiving and moving on.  Obviously, I haven’t.  I likely triggered long-forgotten needs in my husband when I began to acknowledge and accept my own.  His behavior makes me angry because it is behavior _I was abused for and not permitted to indulge in!_   Withholding affection due to resentment is a form of abuse.  I had to look in the mirror today and see the very thing I wanted to never become.  I am an _abuser_.  God, that hurts.  Growing up hurts sometimes. I think I wanted a hero.  Instead, I got a human being. I do not know how to handle his childlike needs, because I handle my own poorly.  I cannot abide his temper tantrums, clinging and indecisiveness, but we chose each other because we _understood_ each other.   Why didn’t I seek someone else?   Because, in the beginning, we were well-matched.  Perhaps we lost sight of it. I’m willing to do give-and-take nurturing, even though I’m not good at it.  But I do not like being leaned on or treated like a mother instead of a mate. I have to get some sleep, get up tomorrow and work on my new business venture, and do some more hard soul-searching.  Again, thank you all for your honesty, and further comments are welcome.   Perhaps I can return the favor in the future.  :) 1 Dumb Humble Chick Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.

Response:

I read your post twice. You don’t sound dumb to me. I think you sounded ingtelligent and open and responsible. I was impressed by what you wrote, how you expressed it, and what you were willing to do even tho it hurt to change. That shows strength of character to me. I hope things work out well for you. Arnie In article <7kn3aa$ug…@nnrp1.deja.com

, 1 Dumb Chick

<1dumbch…@my-deja.com

wrote: Thanks to all who have taken the time to reply.  You have been honest. I have had to quell the urge to react strongly.  I’m 50 percent of this equation.  Am I missing something?   Maybe I _have_ turned mean.  I have to accept my role in this relationship. snip

— Perseverance is not a long race. It is many short races one after another.

Response:

You have already given back to me by letting me know that something I said may have made a positive difference for you.  Thanks for letting me know. What Karen says about a third person possibly being able to be the "parent" for you and your husband right now makes sense, as long as it’s a temporary situation on the way to the two of you being able to support each other. It’s true I think that in most successful marriages, when one partner needs nurturing, the other nurtures; and then the roles reverse.  When a situation arises likes yours where both partners need to be nurtured simultaneously, problems can arise (perhaps this is why the death of a child often results in divorce?). My concern about therapy/counseling (individual or couple) is when it becomes long-term, and the person or persons become dependent on the therapist or counselor.  The goal of any good therapy/counseling should be for the individual(s) to develop their own support system so that a professional is no longer needed.  There is a great book written by a clinical psychologist that addresses these types of issues.  It’s called "Beware the Talking Cure" by Terence Campbell, PhD.  I recommend it to anyone considering or in therapy.  It gives concrete guidance on what to watch out for and what to look for to find quality mental health care. In article <7kn3aa$ug…@nnrp1.deja.com

,

  1 Dumb Chick <1dumbch…@my-deja.com

wrote:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -

Thanks to all who have taken the time to reply.  You have been honest. I have had to quell the urge to react strongly.  I’m 50 percent of this equation.  Am I missing something?   Maybe I _have_ turned mean.  I have to accept my role in this relationship. In answer to the questions various posters have asked; I’ve tried hard to not be a controlling person.  As I mentioned, my husband grew up with a harsh and controlling mother.  I have tried to encourage him to do things he has expressed interest in, whether I share those interests or not.  One of the qualities I loved most in him was his individuality.  Income?  When I am not employed, he is the primary earner.   When I am employed, our income is usually equal.  We discuss all major expenditures.   He does get frightened when I accumulate any savings.  All bank records are equally accessible on our computer or online, there are no financial secrets. Severe depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder are my disabilities. I hesitated to mention this, because I do not want to be construed as a pity party on wheels.  I am not!  Depression is a medical illness, and it appears to be hereditary. I have been in treatment for many years.  My husband was diagnosed with major depression (among other things) several years ago.  He has been treated briefly in the past and taken medication.  The treatment came to a halt whenever the person he was working with got too close to his history and behavior.  I also have medical problems, one of which will require surgery and an extended recovery period.  I’ve hesitated to go ahead with the surgery until this relationship issue has been settled, because it has sent my PTSD into overdrive. I read the responses and took a hard look inside myself.  Gogirl, especially, made me think.  I _may have become mean_.  Perhaps my husband’s behavior is so irritating because I received almost no nurturing in my past. My parents also divorced when I was very young, and there’s a vast abuse history. My recovery has been centered on forgiving and moving on.  Obviously, I haven’t.  I likely triggered long-forgotten needs in my husband when I began to acknowledge and accept my own.  His behavior makes me angry because it is behavior _I was abused for and not permitted to indulge in!_   Withholding affection due to resentment is a form of abuse.  I had to look in the mirror today and see the very thing I wanted to never become.  I am an _abuser_.  God, that hurts.  Growing up hurts sometimes. I think I wanted a hero.  Instead, I got a human being. I do not know how to handle his childlike needs, because I handle my own poorly.  I cannot abide his temper tantrums, clinging and indecisiveness, but we chose each other because we _understood_ each other.   Why didn’t I seek someone else?   Because, in the beginning, we were well-matched.  Perhaps we lost sight of it. I’m willing to do give-and-take nurturing, even though I’m not good at it.  But I do not like being leaned on or treated like a mother instead of a mate. I have to get some sleep, get up tomorrow and work on my new business venture, and do some more hard soul-searching.  Again, thank you all for your honesty, and further comments are welcome.   Perhaps I can return the favor in the future.  :) 1 Dumb Humble Chick Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.

— Love is a decision. Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.

Response:

From: ro…@hhmi.ucla.edu (Karen Ronan) Let me know if this makes any sense to you.

It makes a lot of sense to me.  You are a wise person Karen.  You add a lot to this group. ~~~~Don’t spit into the well–you might drink from it later.~~~

Response:

Oceanmomma, you took the words right out of my mouth!  (Or should that be plucked them from my keyboard?)  I was going to suggest a name change, too – this person is certainly no "dumb chick."   Fluffy Rain – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Oceanmomma wrote:

From: 1 Dumb Chick Thanks to all who have taken the time to reply.  You have been honest. I have had to quell the urge to react strongly.  I’m 50 percent of this equation.  Am I missing something?   Maybe I _have_ turned mean.  I have to accept my role in this relationship. I have a lot of admiration for you.  You are able to listen to and hear what others are saying.  You are willing to look at yourself and not place all of the blame elsewhere.  You sound strong to me…and wise.  I have a favor to ask of you.  Would you change your name to 1smartchick?  I think it would be a postive change for you…rather than a putdown.  You deserve happiness…as does your husband.  Hopefully it can be together.  If not, you both still deserve happiness.  You do have some tough work ahead of you but you sound as if you are up for the challenge.  My best to you :)

Response:

instead of wasting everyone’s time by trying to change him?

If he is really as childish as she says he is, He will probably start expecting her to literally change him IE he will begin to start wearing depends.  LOL I am tired.   Laura   — Wicked Witch of the Net — You’re the cilantro in my salsa, The Cuban in my cigar, the sugar in my tea and the Oompa in my Loompa — Marvelous Momma to Magnificent Melissa {Age 4.5} And Awesome AJ {Born March 18 1999}

Response:

Read "Aphrodite’s Daughters" by Jalaja Bonheim or better still leave it around waiting for him to read it. It’s described as Womens Sexual Stories and the Journey of the Soul. It is centred around the latter more. You’ve lost that connectivity, I’m not an expert but you have to connect, that is what relationships are about. I play a lot of social volleyball. Bad knees? doesn’t sound right to me. I had a bad back [old age and too much volleyball] but after 4 days of solid rest, it came right, now I’m OK, and still playing. Life is about spirituality, even for those who don’t believe in it. Be yourself, and enjoy being who you are. Harvey

Response:

From: 1 Dumb Chick Thanks to all who have taken the time to reply.  You have been honest. I have had to quell the urge to react strongly.  I’m 50 percent of this equation.  Am I missing something?   Maybe I _have_ turned mean.  I have to accept my role in this relationship.

I have a lot of admiration for you.  You are able to listen to and hear what others are saying.  You are willing to look at yourself and not place all of the blame elsewhere.  You sound strong to me…and wise.  I have a favor to ask of you.  Would you change your name to 1smartchick?  I think it would be a postive change for you…rather than a putdown.  You deserve happiness…as does your husband.  Hopefully it can be together.  If not, you both still deserve happiness.  You do have some tough work ahead of you but you sound as if you are up for the challenge.  My best to you :) ~~~~Don’t spit into the well–you might drink from it later.~~~

Response:

Hi, Once I brought our couples therapist a photograph I downloaded from the internet portraying two American Indian babies, in cradleboards, both crying.  I thought it was a striking photo and perhaps even a cute photo, that she would like.  She was struck by it but not in the way I expected. She thought it seemed to represent me and my husband who sometimes feel like these babies with no adult around. There are times (or a majority of time) when a couple regresses into a childlike, dependent state, and no one is able to function as the "parent" at that moment, or else one person is appointed the "parent" (which is too much, each has to take that role sometimes), then, imho, the marriage needs a "holding environment" and a "container" where _someone_ takes on the parental role, at least temporarily, and holds all the bad feelings, rage and resentment until the marriage can handle it.  That person is a good therapist. Let me know if this makes any sense to you. Karen 1 Dumb Chick <1dumbch…@my-deja.com

writes:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -

Thanks to all who have taken the time to reply.  You have been honest. I have had to quell the urge to react strongly.  I’m 50 percent of this equation.  Am I missing something?   Maybe I _have_ turned mean.  I have to accept my role in this relationship. In answer to the questions various posters have asked; I’ve tried hard to not be a controlling person.  As I mentioned, my husband grew up with a harsh and controlling mother.  I have tried to encourage him to do things he has expressed interest in, whether I share those interests or not.  One of the qualities I loved most in him was his individuality.  Income?  When I am not employed, he is the primary earner.   When I am employed, our income is usually equal.  We discuss all major expenditures.   He does get frightened when I accumulate any savings.  All bank records are equally accessible on our computer or online, there are no financial secrets. Severe depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder are my disabilities. I hesitated to mention this, because I do not want to be construed as a pity party on wheels.  I am not!  Depression is a medical illness, and it appears to be hereditary. I have been in treatment for many years.  My husband was diagnosed with major depression (among other things) several years ago.  He has been treated briefly in the past and taken medication.  The treatment came to a halt whenever the person he was working with got too close to his history and behavior.  I also have medical problems, one of which will require surgery and an extended recovery period.  I’ve hesitated to go ahead with the surgery until this relationship issue has been settled, because it has sent my PTSD into overdrive. I read the responses and took a hard look inside myself.  Gogirl, especially, made me think.  I _may have become mean_.  Perhaps my husband’s behavior is so irritating because I received almost no nurturing in my past. My parents also divorced when I was very young, and there’s a vast abuse history. My recovery has been centered on forgiving and moving on.  Obviously, I haven’t.  I likely triggered long-forgotten needs in my husband when I began to acknowledge and accept my own.  His behavior makes me angry because it is behavior _I was abused for and not permitted to indulge in!_   Withholding affection due to resentment is a form of abuse.  I had to look in the mirror today and see the very thing I wanted to never become.  I am an _abuser_.  God, that hurts.  Growing up hurts sometimes. I think I wanted a hero.  Instead, I got a human being. I do not know how to handle his childlike needs, because I handle my own poorly.  I cannot abide his temper tantrums, clinging and indecisiveness, but we chose each other because we _understood_ each other.   Why didn’t I seek someone else?   Because, in the beginning, we were well-matched.  Perhaps we lost sight of it. I’m willing to do give-and-take nurturing, even though I’m not good at it.  But I do not like being leaned on or treated like a mother instead of a mate. I have to get some sleep, get up tomorrow and work on my new business venture, and do some more hard soul-searching.  Again, thank you all for your honesty, and further comments are welcome.   Perhaps I can return the favor in the future.  :) 1 Dumb Humble Chick Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.

Response:

Thanks to all who have taken the time to reply.  You have been honest. I have had to quell the urge to react strongly.  I’m 50 percent of this equation.  Am I missing something?   Maybe I _have_ turned mean.  I have to accept my role in this relationship. In answer to the questions various posters have asked; I’ve tried hard to not be a controlling person.  As I mentioned, my husband grew up with a harsh and controlling mother.  I have tried to encourage him to do things he has expressed interest in, whether I share those interests or not.  One of the qualities I loved most in him was his individuality.  Income?  When I am not employed, he is the primary earner.   When I am employed, our income is usually equal.  We discuss all major expenditures.   He does get frightened when I accumulate any savings.  All bank records are equally accessible on our computer or online, there are no financial secrets. Severe depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder are my disabilities. I hesitated to mention this, because I do not want to be construed as a pity party on wheels.  I am not!  Depression is a medical illness, and it appears to be hereditary. I have been in treatment for many years.  My husband was diagnosed with major depression (among other things) several years ago.  He has been treated briefly in the past and taken medication.  The treatment came to a halt whenever the person he was working with got too close to his history and behavior.  I also have medical problems, one of which will require surgery and an extended recovery period.  I’ve hesitated to go ahead with the surgery until this relationship issue has been settled, because it has sent my PTSD into overdrive. I read the responses and took a hard look inside myself.  Gogirl, especially, made me think.  I _may have become mean_.  Perhaps my husband’s behavior is so irritating because I received almost no nurturing in my past. My parents also divorced when I was very young, and there’s a vast abuse history. My recovery has been centered on forgiving and moving on.  Obviously, I haven’t.  I likely triggered long-forgotten needs in my husband when I began to acknowledge and accept my own.  His behavior makes me angry because it is behavior _I was abused for and not permitted to indulge in!_   Withholding affection due to resentment is a form of abuse.  I had to look in the mirror today and see the very thing I wanted to never become.  I am an _abuser_.  God, that hurts.  Growing up hurts sometimes. I think I wanted a hero.  Instead, I got a human being. I do not know how to handle his childlike needs, because I handle my own poorly.  I cannot abide his temper tantrums, clinging and indecisiveness, but we chose each other because we _understood_ each other.   Why didn’t I seek someone else?   Because, in the beginning, we were well-matched.  Perhaps we lost sight of it. I’m willing to do give-and-take nurturing, even though I’m not good at it.  But I do not like being leaned on or treated like a mother instead of a mate. I have to get some sleep, get up tomorrow and work on my new business venture, and do some more hard soul-searching.  Again, thank you all for your honesty, and further comments are welcome.   Perhaps I can return the favor in the future.  :) 1 Dumb Humble Chick Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.

Response:

On Mon, 21 Jun 1999 20:57:11 GMT, 1 Dumb Chick <1dumbch…@my-deja.com

wrote: <snip

>I have health and emotional problems.  He has health and >emotional problems.  Two years ago, I became quite ill and had to work >hard to recover.  My efforts have shown success.  It appears the >childish behavior escalated as my recovery progressed.  During the >recovery, I tried to be careful not to ignore him or our relationship. >I tried to include him in my healing process. I set aside time for >him.

Apparently you sought help for your emotional problems; did he ever acknowledge his difficulties or seek help for those problems?  You may have grown while he stayed the same; that could be threatening enough for him to cause the clingy, indecisive behavor of which you complain.   Have either of you read Angry Men, Passive Men … people often laugh at the men’s movement but he would fit onto the pages of that book in various categories.  Unless he wants to change and is willing to work at it, you are not going to be satisfied with the relationship you now have Has he been to the doctor to see if there is a medical reason for his behavior … he may be clinically depressed and need medication if no other cause is found.   Your original post listed quite a nice set of attractive attributes for him; something has caused him to withdraw. If he can get hold of himself, then the two of you may want to consider marriage counseling but in his current state, that might be a waste of time and money. Floridanewbie

Response:

I agree with Melissa that your husband needs your loving kindness, or you could say I agree with your husband that you have become mean.  Is it possible your own disability is increasing your need to be nurtured; therefore his needs to be nurtured now  make you angry and mean?  While I realize our childhoods certainly play a part in who  we are, I do not believe they are the be-all and end-all to all our issues and problems. And if "growing" in recovery means a formerly happy marriage  falls apart, I question the value of such "recovery." In article <929987204.6…@www.remarq.com

,

  melissa <missie.john…@eudoramail.com

wrote:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -

Just some random thoughts here… Was your husband always whining and child-like?  If not, when did it start?  Can you think of anything that could have triggered it?  Maybe when the ’sparks’ went out?  When life became routine?  It sounds like he’s getting worse now because he’s afraid of abandonment (which he knows is forthcoming).  He felt abandoned by his parents when they got divorced. He needs to learn to deal with his feelings, and counselling is the best way.  Even more, he needs somebody to love him and be there for him.  You need to really try to be that somebody right now.  You don’t love him because of his childish behavior, he’s behaving childishly because you don’t love him anymore.  Give it a try, try to get him some help and rekindle your love for him.  You made vows, for better or for worse.  You need to give it your best shot before leaving.  Try loving him again, and treating him with warmth and kindness.  You may be surprised at the man you see. Good luck, Melissa **** Posted from RemarQ – http://www.remarq.com – Discussions Start Here ™ ****

— Love is a decision. Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.

Response:

In article <7klsj2$om…@slave1.aa.net

,

"Binky Barnes" <binkybar…@removeski.cheerful.com

wrote: It is intensely difficult to assess your situation unless you describe a bit more what you mean when you say "childish behavior".

Sure.  He is very clinging and insecure.  He resists making decisions on his own, though he is quite capable.  He’s always "asking my permission" to do things.  I’ve told him I’m his wife, not his boss, he dosen’t need my "permission" to do anything!  When I am employed, he pouts or throws temper tantrums when I don’t buy him "little gifts", especially things like junk food (cookies, sweets, etc..)  I’ve tried to do spontaneous things like taking him out to dinner, or picking up a little something in a store that I see that he might like.  If I _don’t_ do this constantly, I am accused of "selfishness". Most guys I’ve known like to have time with other guys or do "guy stuff" — things that don’t often involve women.  I encourage him to do "guy things" that don’t include me, but he dosen’t.  He never wants to socialize without me.  He dosen’t watch sports on TV at all unless I am.  He used to play football and hockey, bowl and practice martial arts, so I know he likes sports.  He has a back injury, so he can’t do many sports any more, though we both enjoy bicycling.  We used to play volleyball together, but I have bad knees and can’t play anymore.  I’ve told him to find games without me; he won’t.  I’ve encouraged him to resume martial arts training; he won’t.  I’ve asked if there is anything he wants to do.  He gives vague answers like "making friends", but won’t because "we don’t have enough money".  Since when does money matter in friendships?  People like you or they don’t. I don’t think it’s healthy for a couple to spend every moment together.  He tries to make his own friends on occasion, then gives up.  When I try to make freinds, he buts in and scares the friends away.  If I talk on the phone to anyone, I actually have to take the (cordless) phone outside because he interrupts my phone calls.  He calls home two or three times a day.  He works TWO BLOCKS AWAY and comes home for lunch every day!  He wants 100 percent of my attention.

I have found that in some situations where women complain about their husband’s "childishness", that they are themselves coming from a position of over-maternalism, and I hear some of that in your post.

I attempted to be a nurturing partner but not a smothering one.  We used to do cutesy things like my bathing him or his shaving my legs.  I know his mother smothered him, so I always gave him his own space.  We divided up household chores according to each other’s skills.  I’m better at cleaning and actually enjoy it, but he would vacuum and do laundry if housework stacked up.  I am a good cook, but he is a _great_ one.  He used to do most of the cooking because he WANTED to.  I would help him prepare food if he asked.  Now he eats junk food if I don’t cook, or I have to practically beg him to cook once in a while.  When he cooks, he literally HOVERS over the table, constantly probing for praise of the meal.  In the past, my husband gave as much nurturing to me as I to him.  Nurturing is a skill I am only fair at and worked hard to develop since we’ve been together.  Now he sits at the computer and tries to get me to wait on him hand and foot.

Can you elaborate the problem without the added drama (contacting homeless shelters, etc.)?

<skipping drama

People grow apart.  I believe it’s happened to us.  It started going downhill about three years ago.  We had a home business in the computer industry that we gave up on due to competition and being cheated by clients.  I have health and emotional problems.  He has health and emotional problems.  Two years ago, I became quite ill and had to work hard to recover.  My efforts have shown success.  It appears the childish behavior escalated as my recovery progressed.  During the recovery, I tried to be careful not to ignore him or our relationship. I tried to include him in my healing process. I set aside time for him. I am not alone in my observations.  Other people confront him with his childish behavior.  All he does is scream "F*** You" and run away. I love men.  My definition of a man is a confident, strong human being who uses his male attributes as positive traits.  I believe men and women have different assets, and they should complement one another. I’m so angry and overburdened by his clinging, I am ready to give up. Further questions will be answered to the best of my ability.  No email, please, I have to keep this passworded and private. 1 Dumb Chick Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.

Response:

Igor, The original poster mentioned that she was disabled.  She didn’t mention any details, but perhaps that affects her ability to work. Melissa **** Posted from RemarQ – http://www.remarq.com – Discussions Start Here ™ ****

Response:

What exactly is he doing that is so childish? What does he say? Give worst examples if possible. (you dont have to) Who is the main breadwinner? How long have you been going to therapy? – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -1 Dumb Chick wrote:

 He is a CHILD in a man’s body. What is there to gain by staying silly and childish?

Response:

I met a man over a decade ago.  It seemed like we fell in love.  We got married.  I knew he had problems because he came from a dysfunctional family, but so what, so did I.  In spite of his past, he seemed strong and capable.  He is brillant.  He was loyal, hardworking and caring. He had terrible relationships before and stated that he was ready to settle with one woman who he could trust.   We had many common interests and the same sense of humor about life.  He had faced the same adversities I had, actually he had faced worse things and survived them.   Our sex life was great. I thought he was the kind of man I had been looking for.  I thought we could grow together.  I thought we understood each other in a world that can be cruel to those who grew up as strangers in their own homes and feel isolated from people who have led more fortunate lives. It has taken a long time to see the truth about my mate.  Years have a way of revealing secrets.  He is a CHILD in a man’s body.  Look, all adults have their moments when they are childlike, and it’s not always a bad thing.  Sometimes we whine or want to be taken care of by our mate.  Sometimes we want comfort that is familiar from our past.  I think a certain amount of that is normal.  The man I thought I married is emotionally stuck at thirteen, the age at which his parents divorced.  He was an only child whose father was distant and uncaring. His mother was an alcoholic and control freak.  All of our parents are dead now, or I would have sent him home to mommy a long time ago.  He is in his forties. I have to leave this man if I am going to survive.  He drains the life out of me.  I am disabled and do not have enough money to live on.  I try to work but get too sick to continue.  My family, never supportive to begin with, wants nothing to do with me.  Because of my husband’s demeanor and my own shame in having trapped myself in this mess, I have no close friends.  He knows how I feel.  I tell him constantly.  He knows that when I find the FIRST opportunity to leave him, I am GONE. This has made his whiny-clingy-temper-tantrum-good boy behavior even worse.  I’ve had a separate bank account for years and tried to save enough money to leave him, though I never seem to save enough.  I am a careful spender.  The husband makes sure the bills get paid.  Any extra money is spent on things we actually use, mostly to keep me from accumulating enough funds to leave him (his words). He does not hit me or blatantly abuse me in cruel ways, again so that I cannot turn to agencies to help me leave.  I have tried everything in my area.  We don’t have any kids, thank God.  The only resources I have been able to find are homeless shelters.  When I called them, I heard things like "this is no place for a woman like you"… lice, bugs, violence, rape, you name it.  My last hope is to try to work for myself at home via the Internet.  I have explained to him that my ultimate goal is to develop enough income for an attorney and relocation.  This has INCREASED his childish behavior. This is my bed and I have to lie in it.  All I wonder is why a person would not want to leave behind a childhood that was miserable in the first place.   Why would someone think another person can make up for a past that cannot be made up for? I have a long way to go, but I have worked DAMNED HARD to put my childhood in the past and become a responsible adult.  I did not get married to take care of some mother’s son who wants to stay stuck.  What is there to gain by staying silly and childish?  This man annoys the hell out of everyone he meets because of his clinging, silly, childlike behavior.  Because he works hard, he is always employed, but gets fired all the time.  I hardly ever go out in public with him anymore.  I’m not interested in having an affair or getting into a relationship after I finally get a divorce.  I fear I am scarred for life.  Sometimes I think I want a MAN, and even think about finding one.  I doubt if I could take the chance on another relationship. I go to counseling.  The child tried counseling with me several times, but got terrified and ran away each time.  Now he refuses any sort of counseling, either with me or by himself.  He thinks the sole problem is that I "have turned mean" and "don’t love him anymore".  I _don’t_love him anymore and I have stopped doing anything close to the mothering he so desperately wants.  I’ve told him to go find someone who can do the job.  Obviously, he can’t. I am sorry this went on so long.  I feel so alone and tired.  This situation is making my health problems worse by the day.  I will keep trying until I find a way out of this situation.  Today, I am filled with loneliness and frustration.  I feel like I just had to tell someone, anyone.  I know I am not alone, there are people who chose mates who wanted a parent and not a lover and are stuck with them. 1 REALLY DUMB Chick Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.

Response:

It is intensely difficult to assess your situation unless you describe a bit more what you mean when you say "childish behavior". I have found that in some situations where women complain about their husband’s "childishness", that they are themselves coming from a position of over-maternalism, and I hear some of that in your post. Can you elaborate the problem without the added drama (contacting homeless shelters, etc.)? -Jeff

Response:

Just some random thoughts here… Was your husband always whining and child-like?  If not, when did it start?  Can you think of anything that could have triggered it?  Maybe when the ’sparks’ went out?  When life became routine?  It sounds like he’s getting worse now because he’s afraid of abandonment (which he knows is forthcoming).  He felt abandoned by his parents when they got divorced. He needs to learn to deal with his feelings, and counselling is the best way.  Even more, he needs somebody to love him and be there for him.  You need to really try to be that somebody right now.  You don’t love him because of his childish behavior, he’s behaving childishly because you don’t love him anymore.  Give it a try, try to get him some help and rekindle your love for him.  You made vows, for better or for worse.  You need to give it your best shot before leaving.  Try loving him again, and treating him with warmth and kindness.  You may be surprised at the man you see. Good luck, Melissa **** Posted from RemarQ – http://www.remarq.com – Discussions Start Here ™ ****

Response:

In article <7klncd$do…@nnrp1.deja.com

,

  1 Dumb Chick <1dumbch…@my-deja.com

wrote: I am sorry this went on so long.  I feel so alone and tired.  This situation is making my health problems worse by the day.  I will keep trying until I find a way out of this situation.  Today, I am filled with loneliness and frustration.  I feel like I just had to tell someone, anyone.  I know I am not alone, there are people who chose mates who wanted a parent and not a lover and are stuck with them.

Chick, You must get out of this situation.  You know that already.  One thing to do is to stop telling your husband about your plans to leave. Obviously, it makes his behavior worse when you do that.  Here are a couple of suggestions: 1. Sell off anything you own that is worth money (engagement and wedding rings come to mind, if they have any value) to make extra money.  If your husband asks where certain household items went, explain that you are trying to declutter and that you have donated them. 2. Call the state bar and explain that you need a divorce attorney but you do not have a lot of money.  If you can’t find the state bar in the phone book, call information and ask for "New York State Bar" or whatever state you are in. Just because you are disabled and you don’t have a lot of money doesn’t mean you can’t get out of this relationship.  I wish you the best of luck and please keep posting.  Let us know what is going on.  We are here for you! Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Share what you know. Learn what you don’t.

Response:

Las Vegas – March, Children

Question:

Does anyone have any recommendations for places to camp close to the Strip? Preferably with amenities suitable to keep our young teenagers busy between trips downtown.  Prefer to stay somewhere upscale for this trip. Suggestions for other attractions/activities during March, within daytrip range, would also be appreciated. thx wm

Response:

Circus Circus is at one end of the strip. Pool, full hookups, but not scenic (large parking lot). Serves the purpose, though, and kids usually like that casino’s acts. Steve – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Does anyone have any recommendations for places to camp close to the Strip? Preferably with amenities suitable to keep our young teenagers busy between trips downtown.  Prefer to stay somewhere upscale for this trip. Suggestions for other attractions/activities during March, within daytrip range, would also be appreciated. thx wm

Response:

Prefer to stay somewhere upscale for this trip.

Oais Rv Resort it is what you have stated (upscale) that you are looking for. It is on Las Vegas Blvd. about four miles to the West of the main strip. Hope you have fun and enjoy your stay in Vegas. Joe,

Response:

Be prepared for chilly weather in March in Las Vegas. We were there last March, and wished we had coats. :-( LaJuana in central Arkansas — <http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Hills/2818 Bookstore: <http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Hills/2818/bookstore.html          You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Response:

Be prepared for chilly weather in March in Las Vegas. We were there last March, and wished we had coats. :-( LaJuana in central Arkansas —

March is also one of the windy months.. still cool and sometimes (gasp) rainy.  For upscale RV resort, the Oasis at Blue Diamond road on the south end of the "strip" has just about everything.  (of course it’s $$$$) RV’n Ken from Las Vegas

Response:

We stayed at Circus,Circus last summer. It was $17.50 for full hook-up. Our teenage kids liked the amusements while we gambled or just walked around by ourselves.They have free circus acts that were good and maybe an hour apart. The food was cheap in the main cafateria – Yummy too! We toad a car to venture down the strip for alot of cool sites and other free entertainment – all parking is free although a short walk to other places was easy getting around.Check out the strip

Response:

Weight loss and penis enlargment

Question:

TooFat 223/218/180 ECA Stacking since 5/18/98 Low Carbing since 6/2/98

Welcome to the lowcarb fold, TF.  Glad to have you aboard. — K in Cali Stackin’ Atkid Usenet is *not* part of the Hallmark Universe

Response:

Hi TooFat, The ‘pubic package’ caught me off guard and got me laughing, but hey…

hehe…I had to phrase that just right. Your current weight is only 219 lbs.  I know we all gain fat in different ways, but unless you’re just under three feet you sound like you are supremely harder on yourself than any stranger could be.

I recently had some surgery.  I got a full length naked look at myself in the mirror and wanted to vomit.  I tried to hug my wife, and she looked down at my belly like "I can’t get past that." <g  My latest Body Fat % was 38%.  Time to take care of things!!!   When I lose a enough pounds to make a photographic difference, I’ll post up a web page with some then and now photos.   I know you didn’t ask for this and you’ve got a right to flame me out of the water, but by changing your nickname and email address away from a self-degrading image you may get faster success. I’ve done a similar thing by thinking myself worse than what others see.  It’s a worthless trap and doesn’t really give us a running chance.

Thanks for the pep talk.  I’m not in that trap yet.  TooFat’s just an alias to protect my privacy from some associates I’d rather not see my posts in this group. Thanks again…this group’s support is great (except when the ECA threads turn in to the flame-wars they always do <g). TooFat 223/218/180 ECA Stacking since 5/18/98 Low Carbing since 6/2/98

Response:

I have noticed a ahem, "change" resulting from dropping 70 pounds, but it sure werent no 3.5 inches!  Certain positions now cause discomfort to my wife (and other positions are more enjoyable), but I attribute that to reduction of fat around the base, and less gut getting in the way, rather than to any increase in length.  However as I posted a while back, as a man, I am fortunate to have the one-eyed willie down there to be able to use as a "measuring stick" with which to gauge my weight loss progress.  I knew my diet was really working when I could look down and see the little guy without having to bend over and suck in my gut! – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Howdy JHard, A few years ago I heard that for every 20lb fat loss a man gains an extra inch in the nether region — that’s a better showing than your statistic. Thius could be scary.  If a man loses 300 pounds he will gain 10 inches??? I know that size is impoortant to a man, but somone 15 inches plus would not get anywhere near me.  Of course, if aroused, he wouldn’t be able to get anywhere near me:) — Claudia  (To e-mail remove potatoes from address) For Claudia’s Cooking Newsletter celebrating low-fat and sugar-free cooking and living check out: http://www.freeyellow.com/members/cookingnewsletter/

Response:

Howdy JHard, A few years ago I heard that for every 20lb fat loss a man gains an extra inch in the nether region — that’s a better showing than your statistic.

Thius could be scary.  If a man loses 300 pounds he will gain 10 inches??? I know that size is impoortant to a man, but somone 15 inches plus would not get anywhere near me.  Of course, if aroused, he wouldn’t be able to get anywhere near me:) — Claudia  (To e-mail remove potatoes from address) For Claudia’s Cooking Newsletter celebrating low-fat and sugar-free cooking and living check out: http://www.freeyellow.com/members/cookingnewsletter/

Response:

Howdy JHard, A few years ago I heard that for every 20lb fat loss a man gains an extra inch in the nether region — that’s a better showing than your statistic.

Not sure if this is true as I don’t really measure myself.  However, since losing 40+ pounds, my wife seems to be a little more amourous towards me.  Maybe it’s becuase I am now hung like a horse. Dallas – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I don’t know about you, but I don’t even need to reach goal weight before I have a hard time picking it off the floor on the way out the door. Mike Read a article regarding penis enlargment.  The article argued that short of surgery the only way to add size to your penis was by losing 35lbs.  actually the size increase is more of a optical illusion since what is happening is that fat in the pubic region surrounding the penis is going away thus exposing more of what god had already provided.  The point of the article was to point out that the socalled penis enlargement products(pumps, creams etc) are basically frauds. Any men out there lose that type of weight and notice any size increase? Just curious Stuppy

Response:

I like the idea of exchanging presents, however, I am not sure if it needs to be jewelry.  My hubby bought me a ton of jewelry when we first met.  As I did him.  I even bought him his own "engagement" ring.  Then I had my accident and our income went way down.  If he bought me jewelry now I would shoot him:) For his wedding present I got him the star trek 3-D chess set, but for the life of me I don’t know what he bought me!  So maybe it’s not as important:) — Claudia  (To e-mail remove potatoes from address) For Claudia’s Cooking Newsletter celebrating low-fat and sugar-free cooking and living check out: http://www.freeyellow.com/members/cookingnewsletter/

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -In all honesty, i read steve these post in this thread and he had a good laugh. Well boy wonder had lost 30 pounds, and quite frnakly as an unbias set of eyes, i have not noticed a difference.  After i read the thread, i intentionally went and checked it out.  No complaints mind you, but no change either.  Without getting too graphic I will say it feels longer, probably due to the fats pads shrinking.  Also as the fat pads shrink, i have noticed that we both are gaining flexibility, and stamina.  Steve is threating to buy one of those "the contortionist book of love" books for the honeymoon.  LOL, man I hope it is a joke. Last night he bought me another wedding book, and i read him the grooms checklist of things to do.  I though he was going to die when it came to the part where it said he had to buy me a wedding gift, and suggested gems, fine watches, etc, and specified this was in addition to the engagement and wedding ring.  He looked at me, and said you mean the 2 rings are not him to watch his eyes get wide, but now he insist.   I gotta say after he shells out for all the diamonds, this is one custom i find pretty laughable too. Well off with my little samuel for our am walk. Making it fun is half the battle, YMMV, Holly (atkins’ since 2/ 26/98, 11 inches down)

Response:

In all honesty, i read steve these post in this thread and he had a good laugh.  Well boy wonder had lost 30 pounds, and quite frnakly as an unbias set of eyes, i have not noticed a difference.  After i read the thread, i intentionally went and checked it out.  No complaints mind you, but no change either.  Without getting too graphic I will say it feels longer, probably due to the fats pads shrinking.  Also as the fat pads shrink, i have noticed that we both are gaining flexibility, and stamina.  Steve is threating to buy one of those "the contortionist book of love" books for the honeymoon.  LOL, man  I hope it is a joke. Last night he bought me another wedding book, and i read him the grooms checklist of things to do.  I though he was going to die when it came to the part where it said he had to buy me a wedding gift, and suggested gems, fine watches, etc, and specified this was in addition to the engagement and wedding ring.  He looked at me, and said you mean the 2 rings are not to watch his eyes get wide, but now he insist.   I gotta say after he shells out for all the diamonds, this is one custom i find pretty laughable too.  Well off with my little samuel for our am walk. Making it fun is half the battle, YMMV, Holly (atkins’ since 2/ 26/98, 11 inches down)

Response:

Hi TooFat, The ‘pubic package’ caught me off guard and got me laughing, but hey… Your current weight is only 219 lbs.  I know we all gain fat in different ways, but unless you’re just under three feet you sound like you are supremely harder on yourself than any stranger could be. I know you didn’t ask for this and you’ve got a right to flame me out of the water, but by changing your nickname and email address away from a self-degrading image you may get faster success. I’ve done a similar thing by thinking myself worse than what others see.  It’s a worthless trap and doesn’t really give us a running chance. Be well, Mike – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -are now so fat that they actually thrust the whole pubic package forward and cause a much larger bulge in the crotch of my pants.  Go figure. <g TooFat 223/219/180 ECA Stacking since 5/18/98

Response:

Read a article regarding penis enlargment.  The article argued that short of surgery the only way to add size to your penis was by losing 35lbs.  actually the size increase is more of a optical illusion since what is happening is that fat in the pubic region surrounding the penis is going away thus exposing more of what god had already provided.

Well, actually, I can state that the inverse is true! I’ve noticed that the fatter I get, the smaller my penis *looks,* whether erect or not WHEN I AM NAKED.  Seriously, just a few weeks ago, without having read this article you refer to, I came to the same conclusion:  my groin/abdomen had gotten so fat, that base of penis is now recessed behind a wall of fat on either side. <gross, huh? It gets even more bizarre…the fatter I’ve gotten, the *larger* my testicles and penis look WHEN I AM CLOTHED.  Turns out that my thighs are now so fat that they actually thrust the whole pubic package forward and cause a much larger bulge in the crotch of my pants.  Go figure. <g TooFat 223/219/180 ECA Stacking since 5/18/98

Response:

Read a article regarding penis enlargment.  The article argued that short of surgery the only way to add size to your penis was by losing 35lbs.  actually the size increase is more of a optical illusion since what is happening is that fat in the pubic region surrounding the penis is going away thus exposing more of what god had already provided.  The point of the article was to point out that the socalled penis enlargement products(pumps, creams etc) are basically frauds. Any men out there lose that type of weight and notice any size increase?

I’ve heard testimony that this is true from someone who lost a great deal of weight. I took his word for it, didn’t inspect either before or after. There is a surgical technique that works though (besides the fat injection thing which mostly only adds girth). Apparently there i a ligament that holds the penis close to the body which can be cut. The penis "drops" somewhat and gets or appears somewhat longer. I think the best results are as a corrective measure when this ligament is shorter or tighter than normal and doesn’t do much when that’s not the case. I’ve also heard that mummies appear particularly "well hung" because this ligament is cut as part of the mummification routine. I think that was on an "in search of" or some such program so have your grain of salt handy. — http://www.panix.com/~ilaine 162/154/135 since 3/16/98

Response:

first time reading this ng, and this is about the 10th that I read, LOL! Mary

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -I don’t know about you, but I don’t even need to reach goal weight before I have a hard time picking it off the floor on the way out the door. I found that if I wear those long shorts that basketball players wear I can wrap it around my leg and tie it off at the knee.  Much better then hauling it around on the floor:-) JHard

Response:

ROTFLMAO! thanks for my tuesday morning smile! rosie – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Damn! I thought I was the only one with that problem! I’ve lost 11.5 lbs. and I now need a step stool when I urinate…boy that water is cold! ;-) Gump I don’t know about you, but I don’t even need to reach goal weight before I have a hard time picking it off the floor on the way out the door. I found that if I wear those long shorts that basketball players wear I can wrap it around my leg and tie it off at the knee.  Much better then hauling it around on the floor:-) JHard

Response:

I don’t know about you, but I don’t even need to reach goal weight before I have a hard time picking it off the floor on the way out the door.

I found that if I wear those long shorts that basketball players wear I can wrap it around my leg and tie it off at the knee.  Much better then hauling it around on the floor:-) JHard

Response:

Damn! I thought I was the only one with that problem! I’ve lost 11.5 lbs. and I now need a step stool when I urinate…boy that water is cold! ;-) Gump

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -I don’t know about you, but I don’t even need to reach goal weight before I have a hard time picking it off the floor on the way out the door. I found that if I wear those long shorts that basketball players wear I can wrap it around my leg and tie it off at the knee.  Much better then hauling it around on the floor:-) JHard

Response:

Howdy JHard, A few years ago I heard that for every 20lb fat loss a man gains an extra inch in the nether region — that’s a better showing than your statistic. I don’t know about you, but I don’t even need to reach goal weight before I have a hard time picking it off the floor on the way out the door. Mike – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Read a article regarding penis enlargment.  The article argued that short of surgery the only way to add size to your penis was by losing 35lbs.  actually the size increase is more of a optical illusion since what is happening is that fat in the pubic region surrounding the penis is going away thus exposing more of what god had already provided.  The point of the article was to point out that the socalled penis enlargement products(pumps, creams etc) are basically frauds. Any men out there lose that type of weight and notice any size increase? Just curious Stuppy

Response:

Didn’t Rosie say something like this happened to her?

ROFLMAO!!!! thanks!!! i needed that!! carol – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Gary Mitchell Read a article regarding penis enlargment.  The article argued that short of surgery the only way to add size to your penis was by losing 35lbs.  actually the size increase is more of a optical illusion since what is happening is that fat in the pubic region surrounding the penis is going away thus exposing more of what god had already provided.  The point of the article was to point out that the socalled penis enlargement products(pumps, creams etc) are basically frauds. Any men out there lose that type of weight and notice any size increase? Just curious Stuppy

Response:

Well I think we women have known this for a while! – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Didn’t Rosie say something like this happened to her? Gary Mitchell Read a article regarding penis enlargment.  The article argued that short of surgery the only way to add size to your penis was by losing 35lbs. actually the size increase is more of a optical illusion since what is happening is that fat in the pubic region surrounding the penis is going away thus exposing more of what god had already provided.  The point of the article was to point out that the socalled penis enlargement products(pumps, creams etc) are basically frauds. Any men out there lose that type of weight and notice any size increase? Just curious Stuppy

Response:

Didn’t Rosie say something like this happened to her? Gary Mitchell – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Read a article regarding penis enlargment.  The article argued that short of surgery the only way to add size to your penis was by losing 35lbs.  actually the size increase is more of a optical illusion since what is happening is that fat in the pubic region surrounding the penis is going away thus exposing more of what god had already provided.  The point of the article was to point out that the socalled penis enlargement products(pumps, creams etc) are basically frauds. Any men out there lose that type of weight and notice any size increase? Just curious Stuppy

Response:

Read a article regarding penis enlargment.  The article argued that short of surgery the only way to add size to your penis was by losing 35lbs.  actually the size increase is more of a optical illusion since what is happening is that fat in the pubic region surrounding the penis is going away thus exposing more of what god had already provided.  The point of the article was to point out that the socalled penis enlargement products(pumps, creams etc) are basically frauds. Any men out there lose that type of weight and notice any size increase? Just curious Stuppy

Response:

Cubic Zerconias???(sp)

Question:

Hi, I need a hand convincing my boyfriend that a zerconia is perfectly acceptable as an engagement ring.  I have to be honest we have very modest incomes.  I would much rather concentrate on the wedding itself expensewise.  Than to worry about having an expensive diamond on my hand.

I wear a 1 carat CZ set in an antique engagement ring. THe ring was my grandmother’s but my mom took the original diamond out of it and replaced it with a CZ and then gave it to me.  I have had jewelers oooh and aahh over my ring having no idea that the stone is fake.   After 15 years of wear, it still looks good and I am pretty rough on my rings what with gardening, horses, etc…. My other grandmother’s engagement ring has a Peridot stone and I don;t think that stood up to the years very well.  My own engagement ring is a small diamond but if I had to do it over again, I would probably get a sapphire.

Response:

In article Hi, I need a hand convincing my boyfriend that a zerconia is perfectly acceptable as an engagement ring.  I have to be honest we have very modest incomes.  I would much rather concentrate on the wedding itself expensewise.  Than to worry about having an expensive diamond on my hand. Can anyone shed some light on the quality of these stones?  Do they really cloud over soon after purchase? I told him we can always get something fancier later on…when we’re rolling in dough (yeah right). Rosemary

I agree with the one of the last posters, why not go with another type of stone?  Your birthstone? (unless you were born in April :)  or another favorite stone? Saphires, rubies and emeralds… Also a lot of these rings, you can get with smaller diamonds as accents. Good luck, Diana May 10, 1997 — Diana Nagai http://www.beetle.com/Diana/

Response:

In article Hi, I need a hand convincing my boyfriend that a zerconia is perfectly acceptable as an engagement ring.  I have to be honest we have very modest incomes.  I would much rather concentrate on the wedding itself expensewise.  Than to worry about having an expensive diamond on my hand. Can anyone shed some light on the quality of these stones?  Do they really cloud over soon after purchase? I told him we can always get something fancier later on…when we’re rolling in dough (yeah right). Rosemary

1) Have you thought about a colored stone? Don’t forget Lab created as an option…personally, I’d prefer a lab created emerald to a cloudy, cracked one, but that’s just me. ;) There’s also white topaz…cut well, is nice and sparkly although more of a bluish tone to it (this is what blue topaz looks like before it’s irradiated to make it look bright blue). 2) CZ’s get cloudy because they get dirty VERY quickly. I had one as my "engagement ring" for a while when it looked like we’d be spending a year in England while my husband finished his PhD…I didn’t want to worry about trapsing around Europe with an expensive diamond ring…not a rational fear, I know, but mine nonetheless. Anyway, it cleaned up well and was nice and shiney, but it did have a higher affinity for grease and dirt than my diamond does (make sure you take it off when washing dishes or in the shower…soap will form a nice film on it…diamonds too for that matter). 3) There are poorly cut CZ’s and not-so-poorly cut CZ’s. A good friend of mine had her engagement diamond fall out of her ring and for a while, she just had the jeweler put a CZ in the setting…jewelers should be able to get them, ask around. Kinda like if you were to have a replica of an expensive piece of jewelry made because you didn’t want to risk wearing the real thing in public (I never understood this practice, if you have insurance…why leave the fun baubles lying in a safe!?) – they used to use Paste…now you can use CZ if you want. 4) CZ isn’t a plastic/glass combination as someone else mentioned. It’s a lab created crystal formed under a controlled environment. Kinda like lab created sapphires or emeralds or rubies. I’m just not sure CZ is something that occurs in nature, as the others do…maybe that’s why people "frown" on it and think it’s "settling" for a diamond knock-off. My own opinion is, if you like the look of diamonds, but don’t want to justify the cost – whether you feel you can afford it or just think the whole DeBeers cartel is evil – CZ’s are an option. I’m not trying to sell you on CZ or anything, just passing along some advice I hope. :) Amy —

Response:

There’s no reason why your engagement ring has to be a diamond, or a diamond look alike. There are so many beautiful stones out there! my engagement ring was a light blue topaz in a simple setting. I think it cost all of $150, including having it sized.  We looked at a lot of expensive rings, and simply could not justify the cost! Plus, i’m sort of anti-diamond since the whole diamond engagement ring thing was started by the diamond company. In addition I’ve heard tales of diamond companies controlling the # of diamonds on the market, to inflate the prices and the demand. I’m not impressed.  I think lighter colored stones, like amethyst, or citrine, or peridot, or topaz are far more beautiful. On the other hand, a male friend of mine just got engaged. He didn’t have a lot of $ to spend, but he wanted a diamond. He hunted around in estate jewelry stores, and the like and found the most beautiful round diamond in an old fashioned setting that is to die for. It is the most beautiful ring i’ve ever seen.  He says he got quite a deal. So, get out of the mall jewelry stores, and hit some pawn shops, or estate sales, or even antique stores. jenna

Response:

Hi there,   Have you thought about the possibility of a pre-owned ring?  My wedding set came from a pawnshop.  It is very unique, and I have never seen anything like it.  Cutout hearts on the band and filligree work.  It has a small diamond in it, and is 14kt. gold.  It cost my fiance’ $100.  It is just what I wanted.  Something out of the commonplace and understated.  I found his band for $70.  It is 10kt. gold (Good for him, he is rough on jewelry, and 10 kt. is a bit stronger).  It has a twisted rope border on the top and bottom edge of the band.  So, not too fancy, but more than a plain band. Tracy

Response:

Another thing is to look in the newspaper or if you have a buy and sell. Pawn shops as well, but a word of advice — do research on the stone you are looking for. Or find a jeweler, and take him along. KER — Kelle E. Roth To reply, remove NoSpam from address "To err is human, to moo bovine" – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi, I need a hand convincing my boyfriend that a zerconia is perfectly acceptable as an engagement ring.  I have to be honest we have very modest incomes.  I would much rather concentrate on the wedding itself expensewise.  Than to worry about having an expensive diamond on my hand. Can anyone shed some light on the quality of these stones?  Do they really cloud over soon after purchase? I told him we can always get something fancier later on…when we’re rolling in dough (yeah right). Rosemary Rosemary,    I personally would’ve been fine with a CZ, until we saw the cost! The nicer ones can be VERY expensive – ok, maybe 1/5 the cost of a REAL diamond of that size, but they are not necessarily cheap for someone on a budget. We shopped a lot together, checked out MANY stones of various sizes and qualities as well as CZ. I remember one very nice CZ that was about $600 (ok, a real diamond may have been $2-3000, but on a tight budget even $600 can be a lot). Most ranged from $200-600. My fiance was also not pleased with the idea of getting me a CZ. Depending on how big you want it, you can get a nice small diamond for $200 – perhaps they’re not perfect quality, but they are nice. My fiance was also insistent that we geta  diamond, I woudl have been happy with a less expensive stone, but he really wanted "our" engagement ring to be a diamond.  What we ended up doing was going to an antique shop  (LOTS of antique shops – by this time we "knew" our diamonds) and found some wonderful rings. I finally settled on one that was a fabulous deal – the dealer seemed less interested in making a sale and more interested in helping us find something we liked and were happy with AND was in our price range. My ring is a lot bigger than I originally wanted but has a very slight flaw, which made the dealer hesitant to sell it to us. However, I LOVED the style – it was absolutely perfect (very turn-of the century, with a platinum band)! So, with some negotiation, he altered the price down to what we could afford.  There were some other gorgeous rings that were already in our price range and were not flawed, I just fell in love with the setting on mine, and unless I intend to sell it at some point, it doesn’t matter! (Even then, it’s been appraised at more than we paid for it – mainly due to the platinum band) I’d shop around before you "settle" on CZ, as you may find something you like that’s affordable. If you do go the antique shop route, know your diamonds. We’re far from experts on them, but after a lot of research, AND shoppping, felt comfortable with what to expect. There’s a webpage about diamonds that I think is linked to the scw or alt.wedding page, and there are some other sites to check out to get to know diamonds. Definitely shop around. Good luck Cherise (& Steve)

Response:

Hi, I need a hand convincing my boyfriend that a zerconia is perfectly acceptable as an engagement ring.  I have to be honest we have very modest incomes.  I would much rather concentrate on the wedding itself expensewise.  Than to worry about having an expensive diamond on my hand.

CZ’s are artificial, and I gather you aint.   Why not other stones that express true feelings that are not hyped as diamonds nor artificial as cz’s and yag’s.  Amethysist (well, I’ll let you get away with cubic coneys and you let me get away with that one.) Citrine Periot and others in an appropriate setting seems to me to be more sincere. ps, i’m a photographer, not a jeweler, but I do enjoy lapidary and rock collecting as a hobby.  I would prefer a petrified fossil in a necklace or bracelet to a fancy ring, but then I;m wierd.

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi, I need a hand convincing my boyfriend that a zerconia is perfectly acceptable as an engagement ring.  I have to be honest we have very modest incomes.  I would much rather concentrate on the wedding itself expensewise.  Than to worry about having an expensive diamond on my hand. Can anyone shed some light on the quality of these stones?  Do they really cloud over soon after purchase? I told him we can always get something fancier later on…when we’re rolling in dough (yeah right). Rosemary

Rosemary: My girlfriend has a couple of CZ rings, and the quality can vary wildly.  If you can find a store that specialized in top-quality CZs <there’s one in South Florida, but the name escapes me…it’s in the Galleria Mall in Fort Lauderdale, they can be really great…the "finer" stores, of course, set them in 14kt or 18kt gold.  I think the secret to passing one off as real is to keep the size of the stone in line with what you actually might be able to afford in a genuine diamond. Hope this helps. Pamela

Response:

Can anyone shed some light on the quality of these stones?  Do they really cloud over soon after purchase? I told him we can always get something fancier later on…when we’re rolling in dough (yeah right). Why not get a saphire or ruby with some very small diamonds?

Why not get completely out of the "regular" line of gem stones (diamonds, rubies, sapphires, emeralds, etc.) and look at some really beautiful but non-traditional stones?   For example, there is a gem called Danburite that sparkles like the best diamonds (better than CZ!) and costs 1/5 the price or less! Or how about looking into the various colours in quartzes, topazes, garnets, spinels, etc? You can have a gorgeous and original ring if you just look around – Cheers,       Dawn       (currently working on the design for the platinum, tsavorite,        aquamarine, and iolite wedding rings we want!)  :-) — And from the shelter of my mind, Through the window of my eyes – I gaze beyond the rain-drenched streets To England, where my heart lies…                –Paul Simon

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi, I need a hand convincing my boyfriend that a zerconia is perfectly acceptable as an engagement ring.  I have to be honest we have very modest incomes.  I would much rather concentrate on the wedding itself expensewise.  Than to worry about having an expensive diamond on my hand. Can anyone shed some light on the quality of these stones?  Do they really cloud over soon after purchase? I told him we can always get something fancier later on…when we’re rolling in dough (yeah right). Rosemary

 Rosemary, A CZ is fine as a ring, however, It is not meant as a replacement to a diamond. Many people think of CZ as a diamond simulant, not as a gemstone in it’s own right. It has a higher refractive index, therefore will exhibit more "flash", but it is not very durable.  Cz is very cheap, the cost of the labor in setting the stone exceeds the stone’s value.  You could replace the stone as often as you wish with little expense. If you want a diamond, get a smaller one.  You can get a very nice solitaire diamond ring for 200.00. Hope this helps, Best Regards, Jason — Jason Robbins                           ROBBINS 8th & WALNUT 801 Walnut St. Phila., PA 19107         "OnLine Jewelry Store" (800)777-4452 ext. 151                http://www.weddingband.com (215)923-0662 Fax                 World Wide Web- http://www.r8w.com

Response:

Angel Proclamation and my Xmas surprises

Question:

Jane,     What a lovely gift!  You must have done a terrific job with your daughter!  The Angel Proclamation sounds beautful, I haven’t seen it yet, but I’ll look for it.              Happy Stitching,        Debi     Concord, CA

Response:

Happy New Year! I got 2 surprises from my daughter Laura– one was that she was sporting a gorgeous marquis and baguette diamond engagement ring on Christmas morning— Tim, her now-fiance,really surprised her with it. And for Christmas she gave me Miribilia’s new Angel Proclamation, a lovely array of 5 boy and girl angels with Whisper wings, lots of periwinkle beads and hyasinth Waterlilies. She bought the linen, beads, specialty fibers and a Dololly!! A truly unexpected gift. This Nora Corbett design is adorable and will be hung above my grandmother’s antique library table which has become the display center for the newest grandchildren pictures we received as Christmas gifts also–my little angel wall! So now I know what my first new project for 1997 is. As soon as they set the wedding date, I’ll get started on a ring bearer’s pillow. Jane

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Happy New Year! I got 2 surprises from my daughter Laura– one was that she was sporting a gorgeous marquis and baguette diamond engagement ring on Christmas morning— Tim, her now-fiance,really surprised her with it. And for Christmas she gave me Miribilia’s new Angel Proclamation, a lovely array of 5 boy and girl angels with Whisper wings, lots of periwinkle beads and hyasinth Waterlilies. She bought the linen, beads, specialty fibers and a Dololly!! A truly unexpected gift. This Nora Corbett design is adorable and will be hung above my grandmother’s antique library table which has become the display center for the newest grandchildren pictures we received as Christmas gifts also–my little angel wall! So now I know what my first new project for 1997 is. As soon as they set the wedding date, I’ll get started on a ring bearer’s pillow. Jane

Wow, Jane!!  Your daughter is a treasure indeed.  Hope that you enjoy your gifts!!  Have fun!-Happy stitching-Marie K

Response:

Buying a Diamond

Question:

I didnt see the original post, but if you are in the Pacific Northwest, I have a diamond dealer contact that can get you any diamond you want (certificated or not) at cost plus 10% (for purchases over $4000) 15% for under that figure.   — Darwin is a Creationist now.

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I have prices on one particular emerald cut stone which matches pretty closely with what I have in mind.  But, since there is no hurry, I will probably look around for a better price.  If you can possibly quote for me emerald cut 1.73-1.77, VS1 – E, very good proportion (or whatever that classification is), and no fluorescence (this can vary somewhat) diamonds, and if the prices are close, I would be willing to pursue this further.  I would be willing to go up in quality, i.e. VVS2, or D color for a tradeoff of a little bit in size. Wow, hold on there Primal.  You can’t just order a ciamond of the exact size and quality like you can an automobile.  Diamonds are not manufactured to specs, but a cut from a natural rough.  ALWAYS give your dealer a range to work with, espcially if it is a fancy, and especially if it is such a large size.  BTW, some jewelers are cautious of people who ask to see very specific diamonds, lest they are affraid of being set up for a switch. –Peter Mlynek

Well, the reason I am being so specific is that I have priced diamonds in that range, and they fit well within my budget.  I’m flexible, but I really don’t want anything lower than E color and VS1

Response:

You should not have a big problem finding baguettes in this clarity and color, but you do realize that baguettes are usually pretty tiny things, right.  $10K will get you a nice stone…. you’re like 3 or 4 sigmas outside of the mean… –Peter Mlynek

Actually, I only want to spend $10K on everything, including the platinum setting and baguettes, etc.

Response:

Could you please give me an approximate price for an emerald cut VS1/VVS2 diamond of E color and between 1.5 and 2.0 carats. Preferably about 1.75 or so, since I believe that 2.0 carats jump considerably in price.

For 1.50 to 1.99 pears the RDR of 2Feb96 looks like this:             VVS1  VVS2   VS1  VS2         D    90    80     75   70         E    80    75     70   68         F    75    70     67   63 Emerald cuts over 1 ct are 25 to 40% cheaper.  So your 1.75 ct emerald cut VS1 E will be in the neighborhood of $8600.  If you go to a dealer, you might be able to pick it up for about $8K, if you go through a retailer you are looking at $10 to $15K. I am no expert, so those of you in the trade feel free to correct my numbers!  Also, I have a couple of questions, if you don’t mind.  Is it true that certified diamonds cost more than non-certified.  My guess is that they should a little, since the lab has to be paid, etc., but by how much should the price increase?

Yeah, there aint no such thing as free lunch.  But for the size you are looking at, it get’s lost in the noise. Also, which is the most reliable or respected diamond grading lab (i.e. HRD, IGI, AGI, etc.)

Supposedly GIA, but according to JCK of last July there is not really much of a difference between them…. –Peter Mlynek

Response:

One of the things that makes me laugh is the fact that all the jewelers had different things to say about diamond pricing when comparing emerald to round.  One guy said emerald cost more because there was more waste when cutting and that they were harder to find, another said that there was no difference in price, and now you’re saying that the rounds are more expensive.  It seems to me that the prices will probably run about the same (which is how it was at the discount place) — go figure.

Well if you tell them you are looking for an emerald cut, they tell you it costs more. :) If the jewelers are confused about which costs more, an emerald cut or a round cut, ceteris paribus, they are either pulling your leg, or they are clueless (if you are looking for a $10K stone as you are, talk to the store owner/manager, not the $7/hr saleshelp).  Ask them to show you the Rapaport Diamond Report if the are confused…. gee, this little red sheet does tend to uncloud sellers minds quickly…. As far as which cut wastes more rough, the answer has always been clear… for rounds it is somewhere along 35-40%, for fancies it is in the 20’s. Regarding certificates, I was told by one jeweler that HRD certification wasn’t as good as GIA.  For me, I don’t care, as long as there is some valid certification.

Agreed. Regarding prices, for me personally, I don’t want to spend more than $10,000, including the mounting.  We will probably have custom made a platinum Tiffany style setting with two baguette diamonds on the side (those will absolutely have to match the center stone, e.g. VS1 – E).

You should not have a big problem finding baguettes in this clarity and color, but you do realize that baguettes are usually pretty tiny things, right.  $10K will get you a nice stone…. you’re like 3 or 4 sigmas outside of the mean… –Peter Mlynek

Response:

I have prices on one particular emerald cut stone which matches pretty closely with what I have in mind.  But, since there is no hurry, I will probably look around for a better price.  If you can possibly quote for me emerald cut 1.73-1.77, VS1 – E, very good proportion (or whatever that classification is), and no fluorescence (this can vary somewhat) diamonds, and if the prices are close, I would be willing to pursue this further.  I would be willing to go up in quality, i.e. VVS2, or D color for a tradeoff of a little bit in size.

Wow, hold on there Primal.  You can’t just order a ciamond of the exact size and quality like you can an automobile.  Diamonds are not manufactured to specs, but a cut from a natural rough.  ALWAYS give your dealer a range to work with, espcially if it is a fancy, and especially if it is such a large size.  BTW, some jewelers are cautious of people who ask to see very specific diamonds, lest they are affraid of being set up for a switch. –Peter Mlynek

Response:

Is it possible for you to send me information on a round diamond preferably at least one carat,SI range, HI color.  Thanks!

Response:

Argh! Maybe I’m the only one who feels this way, and I won’t presume to speak for anyone else, but I for one would greatly appreciate it if this diamond buying/selling/quoting/arguing took place over email, not on alt.wedding.  Even if I didn’t have a diamond (which I do), I don’t think the discussion going on here is useful for everyone.  I don’t mean to be harsh – it’s just that this seems to be a very specific discussion, and I don’t think the whole group benefits from this. My $0.02.   Dina (preparing to be flamed)

Response:

<this is not a flame Now that my disclaimer has been posted… :) Not every post has something to do with everyone in the group – one just needs to pick and choose which topics interest them and what posts would help them plan their own wedding.  Since I was the first to bring this topic up with a question about diamonds – I felt a little obligated to respond to your post.  The interest that it did generate should also show that it was a legitimate subject that does affect people in the group and more than one person wanted to know. If you dont find something interesting or pertinent to what you are looking to find in the group – then just dont read it or use that wonderful delete key and move on. Just my .02 :) -nancy http://www.ax.com/users/nnguyen               "The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious       _|/_      encroachment by men of zeal, well-meaning but       (o o)          without understanding."  -Justice Louis D. Brandeis – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Argh! Maybe I’m the only one who feels this way, and I won’t presume to speak for anyone else, but I for one would greatly appreciate it if this diamond buying/selling/quoting/arguing took place over email, not on alt.wedding.  Even if I didn’t have a diamond (which I do), I don’t think the discussion going on here is useful for everyone.  I don’t mean to be harsh – it’s just that this seems to be a very specific discussion, and I don’t think the whole group benefits from this. My $0.02.   Dina (preparing to be flamed)

Response:

RE: Buying a Diamond… First of all, any diamond of a carat or more, especially one that’s considered a "fine" diamond, or one that you consider a major investment, should come with a grading report. If it doesn’t, ask that your jeweler get the stone graded. It’s your money, after all, and a report from a respected laboratory will tell you if you’re getting what you’re paying for! Here’s 3 respected labs you can contact: 1. GIA, NY, 212-944-5900 (Gemological Institute of America)    GIA, Ca. 310-829-2991  *The most respected! 2. EGL (European Gemological Lab) 213-622-2387 3. IGI (International Gemological Institute)    212-398-1700 Let me also say that there’s much more to diamonds than clarity and color. In fact, Jay Feder, author of, "The Practical Guide to Buying Diamonds" states, "It’s not uncommon for a diamond merchant to push color and clarity and disregard the quality of the cut. This sometimes results in the purchase of a diamond that’s worth 20, 30, or 40% less than what the merchant is charging you, just because of the poor cut." Even Tiffany in its "How to Buy a Diamond" brochure, states that "cut" "…more than any other factor, determines the brilliance and beauty of your diamond." I see no mention of "cut" or "make" (the cut, proportioning, and finish of a diamond) in this post. All the best, Deborah McCoy, Author, "For the Bride" who worked closely with the GIA when writing an all inclusive chapter on diamonds for her book.  

Response:

Let me also say that there’s much more to diamonds than clarity and color. In fact, Jay Feder, author of, "The Practical Guide to Buying Diamonds" states, "It’s not uncommon for a diamond merchant to push color and clarity and disregard the quality of the cut. This sometimes results in the purchase of a diamond that’s worth 20, 30, or 40% less than what the merchant is charging you, just because of the poor cut."

Well, there are several reasons for the ignorance about the cut, although it is the most important of the four Cs: 1.  It is not a scalar value.  Whereas clarity, color, and carat weight are all on a single linear scale, which are easily comparable, cut is not so.  A person can say that a E colored diamond is better than an H, or that VS1 is better than SI2, can you tell me if a round with 57% table, 30 degree crown, 59% depth, fair symmetry, good polish, small culet, and thin to medium frosted girdle is better or worse (and by how much), than a 55% table, 15% crown height, 58% depth, no culet, faceted medium to thick girdle, good symmetry and very good polish? 2.  The cut is not graded by the GIA. 3.  Cut is subjective.  Is the Scandanivian Round better than the Eppler, and how do they compare to Tolkowski?  Yeah, though the American Ideal has a 53% table, if a customer likes more brilliance at the expense of fire, and goes for a 59% table, is the customer wrong?  No, it is esthetics. 4.  It is too difficult for people to learn about the quality of cuts….  I’d recommend that people spend more time learning about cuts than about the other 3 C’s combined. –Peter Mlynek   (maintainer of an Engagement Diamond FAQ)

Response:

Thanks for the search specifications and the time frame!  We appreciate the opportunity to quote for you – and hopefully provide the best option! I stand by my assertion that emerald cuts will be less per carat than round brilliants. I have searched the cutters list (which is the source) and every emerald cut that I matched to a round brilliant by weight, color and clarity was significantly less expensive than the corresponding round.  Every month when the cutters list comes out there will generally be three or four pages of round brilliants and maybe a quarter page of emerald cuts. So, it will be harder to zero in on narrow specifications but with the time frame you’ve allowed we may just do it! Remember the cutters list is in constant change as diamonds are sold off it and new stones are added.  When we find the right deal we’ll need to put a hold on it right away. I’ll keep you posted! Best regards from the Absolute Diamond Exchange Dave

Response:

 Next, check the grading certificate for the cut proportions. These have as much to do with the diamond’s brilliance and light refraction as anything else. You should look for three percentages: table, crown and pavilion.  The Ideal cut will have a table between 53% and 57%, a crown of 16.2% and a pavilion of 43.1%.  

Yeah, but unfortunately GIA has not been carrying crown nor table percentages, only the depth.  Several of us (who are scientists but not in the trade) on this and rec.crafts.jewelry have lamented about this for a long time: all you need to supply one of: the crown ht, crown angle, pavillion depth or pavillion angle, in order to calculate the other three values.  We finally came up with a mathematical formula that solves this two equation with two unknowns by introducing another known value, i.e. density.  It is acurate, but too difficult to be used by professionals, since a trained gemmologist can estimate these values faster than inputing the complicated formula into the calculator.  BTW, just for fun, I did manage to come up with a formulas that would give these values very precisely by using simple calculus, and they take into account non-C8v symmetry stones, naturals, girdle faceting, etc…. Need 18 sets of octets of variables…. boy it was unwieldy! Variances of more than 2 percentage points will begin to significantly affect the diamond’s value. …

These variances are less significant in the table…. 53-58, 59-64, etc. are more than 2% apart.  In any case, when looking at the table percentages consider this: bigger the table, greater the brilliance, less the fire; smaller the table greater the fire, less the brilliance.  Though the tradepeople like to sing praises to the Tolkowski, this is really a matter of personal preference. –Peter Mlynek   (maintainer of the Engagement Diamond FAQ)

Response:

Primal Scream,      Thought I would try to clear up the price thing for you.  Round Brilliants are the most popular shape, hence the highest demand.  This is why they usually command the highest price per carat in a particular quality (you know, that whole DeBeer’s flow control thing)…BUT… emerald cuts are the shape that can get tricky.  Because they are a flat plane, and you virtually can look right through to the bottom of the stone, they have to be very clean, even a small white included crystal will be very obvious in the center of an EC, also for the same reason, color must be very good, because the reflection & refraction thing is not happening.  I am curious as to your flourescence requirement, because the fact that a diamond flouresces is not usually visible outside of a Gemlite, and is not usually considered good or bad, why does it make a difference to you?  Just curious :)  And no, I don’t have a diamond to sell you, just been raised in a family of jewelry store owners and trying to help! Elisa

Response:

<Could you please give me an approximate price for an emerald cut <VS1/VVS2 diamond of E color and between 1.5 and 2.0 carats. <Preferably about 1.75 or so, since I believe that 2.0 carats jump <considerably in price. < Also, I have a couple of questions, if you don’t mind.  Is it true <that certified diamonds cost more than non-certified.  My guess is <that they should a little, since the lab has to be paid, etc., but by <how much should the price increase?  Also, which is the most reliable <or respected diamond grading lab (i.e. HRD, IGI, AGI, etc.) Primal Scream: Sorry for the delay in responding to your thread, but I didn’t see your posting until today. I have a diamond that is I.G.I. certifed.  It is 1.71 carats, emerald cut with no fluorescence.    Color grade: D    Clarity grade: VVS2   It is a spectacular stone!  Your cost is $ 9,950.00.  Let me know if you are interested in seeing the stone or just getting a faxed copy of the certificate.  I can also give you specs and prices on other emerald cut stones. Just to answer a couple of your questions regarding emerald cut diamonds. Everything being equal emerald cut stones are about the same price per carat or slightly less (10-15%) than round stones.  The reason most people think they are more expensive is because they are generally found in higher color and clarity grades than round stones.  Any slight imperfection in an EC stone will stand out because of the clearness or lack of faceting in the middle of the stone, whereas in a round, marquise, pear or princess cut stone the faceting will hide any minor imperfections.  So EC stones are usually in the better clarity grades.   About certified diamonds costing more: Besides the extra cost to have a gemological lab certify a diamond (the cost depends on the size of the stone) usually $75.00 and up, the stone now has an added value, because the stone has been documented by a legitimate 3rd party. Most people will pay more for a certified stone than a noncertified stone because they feel comfortable that the grading of the diamond’s quality is accurate.  In reality every certified stone was not certified at one time, and the certificate does not change the stone (it’s still the same stone).  If you feel comfortable with the person that is selling/grading the stone before it is certified or if you are knowledgeable about evaluating a diamond yourself, than you might not need a certified diamond.  The choice is yours, but most stones of the caliber that you are considering will almost always be certified. I have found that it is easier to sell a very high quality stone if the purchaser feels confident that the grade of the stone is documented. I can also make a platinum and baguette mounting for the above mentioned stone at a very reasonable cost. Let me know if you need more information. Mitch Slachman Wedding Ring Hotline "Wedding Ring Hotline is a Spotlight Best Buy" says the authors of Bridal Bargains.  Call 1-800-985-RING(7464) for the highest quality wedding rings at the lowest prices anywhere.  We also carry GIA  and IGI certified diamonds.  Call for a free price quote.  Good Luck to all brides & grooms to be!

Response:

Regarding "Primal Scream’s"???? diamond inquiry: ALWAYS buy a certified diamond!!! Especially in the size and quality specifications you requested.  The certification costs the cutter less than $45 and is generally absorbed by him.  When you’re considering a several thousand dollar diamond $45 is nothing.  The cutters will generally always have a certification done on their good stones and skip the process on stones that aren’t worth it.   The certificates should be from an Independent Grading Lab – one that has nothing to do with selling diamonds. EGL, GIA and HRD are all highly respected.   The grading standards you’ve listed for your emerald cut diamond are premium! Emerald cuts do not move nearly as well as round brilliants which is good news and bad news – good news in that the same grading standards in a round brilliant would be significantly more expensive because of the demand. The bad news is that cutters create much fewer emerald cuts, so you probably won’t find an exact match to your specs.  I took the liberty of contacting the cutter to check availabilty (we don’t inventory diamonds which keeps our overhead low). He has one emerald cut and it’s outside your size parameter: 2.36 carat, F color, VVS2 clarity with a GIA certificate for $17,098. I checked on round brilliants in your spec ranges and found three that might interest you: 1.51 carat, F color, SI3 clarity for $4987; 1.67 carat, H color, VS2 clarity for $8498 and a 2.05 carat, G color, VS1 clarity for $16,098.  All three have full certificates. If you would like more information on any of these, let me know. Or, if you aren’t buying just yet, let me know when you’re ready to buy and I’ll check with the cutter again – his inventory changes daily as new stones are cut and existing stones are sold. Happy to be of service. For the Absolute Diamond Exchange, Diamond Dave http://www.galaxymall.com/shops/diamonds.html

Response:

[snip] : : We wanted a .75 carat diamond – Princess cut – VVS1 – G color  and were : quoted a price of about $3300 – this does not include the extra $1300 for : the setting that we chose.  Is this a fair price? : My fiance told about his ring searching.  Can you believe he went to *23* different jewelers?  Some highlights of what he said are: Buy a book on jems and read it.  You’ll learn a lot, including how to tell when the jewelers are trying to snow you.  This is vital. Jewelers will =always= try to snow you.  Never trust them.  But learning how to read them and deal with them works well.  Talking with as many different jewelers as possible helps.  I went with John on some of these visits, and you won’t believe the fiction we heard! Only go to the mall shops to find more jewelers to talk to.  Never buy from them, because their prices are always so much higher.  This doesn’t mean independent jewelers are by definition cheaper, since they can snow you.  But it does mean you can get a much better deal from an independent, if you know. Once you find a jeweler you can do business with, arrange with him to get a diamond.  Most jewelers are in networks in which they can order several diamonds for a 4 day trial, and send them back risk free.  This lets them find several diamonds fitting your wants for you to preview. When you think you’ve found THE diamond, buy it and take it to another jeweler.  Any reputable jeweler will let you return a diamond within a few days, so use this opportunity to go to another jeweler who will give you a free evaluation.  Realize that the second jeweler will likely tell you that you’ve been had and that they, of course, can do better, to try to steal your business.  Nevertheless, you can take their evaluation back to the first jeweler and demand a better price or a better diamond. John got THE diamond GIA certified, and the price evaluation came back at twice what he paid.  From what he’d heard, getting an evaluation for more than what you paid is normal.  Use the evaluation for insurance purposes. Good Luck, Jeanne — <^<^<^<^<^<^<^<^<^<^<^<^<^<^<^<^<^<^<^<^<^<^<^<^<^ <^ Jeanne Petrangelo, graduated EE| "EE’s are intelligent, really.  They’re just Worcester Polytechnic Institute|                             CS department, WPI <_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_<_ <_

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Regarding "Primal Scream’s"???? diamond inquiry:  The grading standards you’ve listed for your emerald cut diamond are premium! Emerald cuts do not move nearly as well as round brilliants which is good news and bad news – good news in that the same grading standards in a round brilliant would be significantly more expensive because of the demand. The bad news is that cutters create much fewer emerald cuts, so you probably won’t find an exact match to your specs. I took the liberty of contacting the cutter to check availabilty (we don’t inventory diamonds which keeps our overhead low). He has one emerald cut and it’s outside your size parameter: 2.36 carat, F color, VVS2 clarity with a GIA certificate for $17,098. I checked on round brilliants in your spec ranges and found three that might interest you: 1.51 carat, F color, SI3 clarity for $4987; 1.67 carat, H color, VS2 clarity for $8498 and a 2.05 carat, G color, VS1 clarity for $16,098.  All three have full certificates. If you would like more information on any of these, let me know. Or, if you aren’t buying just yet, let me know when you’re ready to buy and I’ll check with the cutter again – his inventory changes daily as new stones are cut and existing stones are sold. Happy to be of service. For the Absolute Diamond Exchange, Diamond Dave http://www.galaxymall.com/shops/diamonds.html

We (I) am not buying yet — I will in another 6-9 months — but I know that she really wants an emerald cut.  We did the round of the jewelry stores in the mall just to get an idea, and saw princess cuts (which she wanted at first), rounds, and pears.  We couldn’t find emerald cuts for a while.  Then we went to one of the discount diamond places around here (Chicago), and saw a few emerald cuts (I preferred these). Once she saw them, she was convinced too.  Soooo…. I really think that for the next few months, I will be looking for emerald cuts. One of the things that makes me laugh is the fact that all the jewelers had different things to say about diamond pricing when comparing emerald to round.  One guy said emerald cost more because there was more waste when cutting and that they were harder to find, another said that there was no difference in price, and now you’re saying that the rounds are more expensive.  It seems to me that the prices will probably run about the same (which is how it was at the discount place) — go figure. Regarding certificates, I was told by one jeweler that HRD certification wasn’t as good as GIA.  For me, I don’t care, as long as there is some valid certification. Regarding prices, for me personally, I don’t want to spend more than $10,000, including the mounting.  We will probably have custom made a platinum Tiffany style setting with two baguette diamonds on the side (those will absolutely have to match the center stone, e.g. VS1 – E). I have prices on one particular emerald cut stone which matches pretty closely with what I have in mind.  But, since there is no hurry, I will probably look around for a better price.  If you can possibly quote for me emerald cut 1.73-1.77, VS1 – E, very good proportion (or whatever that classification is), and no fluorescence (this can vary somewhat) diamonds, and if the prices are close, I would be willing to pursue this further.  I would be willing to go up in quality, i.e. VVS2, or D color for a tradeoff of a little bit in size. At any rate, thanks for your time.  It’s really quite helpful.

Response:

<snip  Next, check the grading certificate for the cut proportions.  These have as much to do with the diamond’s brilliance and light refraction as anything else. You should look for three percentages: table, crown and pavilion.  The Ideal cut will have a table between 53% and 57%, a crown of 16.2% and a pavilion of 43.1%.  Variances of more than 2 percentage points will begin to significantly affect the diamond’s value.  The certificate should rate the proportions as good to very good and the symetry as good to very good.<snip For the Absolute Diamond Exchange Dave

I agreed with everything Dave put above but would like to clarify one point.  The percentages listed apply to Round Brilliant diamonds and not other fancy types (such as Emerald, Pear, Heart, Marquise, etc.). -Jeff Roddin

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -<We wanted a .75 carat diamond – Princess cut – VVS1 – G color  and were <quoted a price of about $3300 – this does not include the extra $1300 for <the setting that we chose.  Is this a fair price? Nancy, I think the price you were quoted was a pretty fair price, especially if it was from a retail jewelry store. However, I think that you can do a little better if you do some more shopping around. You didn’t say if the stone you saw was certified by a gemological lab like G.I.A., I.G.I. or E.G.L. I carry a large selection of diamonds and I have a couple that I thought you might be interested in.  I can give you specs on many more princess cuts diamonds as well.    .93 carat princess cut certified by the I.G.I.      F color/VVS2 clarity, excellent cut.  Your cost $3,750.00.    .80 carat princess cut (not yet certified)    G-H color/VS1 clarity.   Your cost  $2,600.00    .70 carat princess cut (not yet certified)    G color/VS clarity.  Your cost $2,300.00 All of our stones come with a 7 day money back guarantee.  There is no sales tax on orders shipped outside New Jersey. I also carry a large selection of 14kt, 18kt, and platinum mountings that might be considerably less than the $1300.00 you were quoted.  When even carry settings made by designers like Scott Kay, Jewels by Star, Goldman, etc… Give me a call at 1-800-985-RING(7464) for more information and pricing. Good Luck! Mitch Slachman Wedding Ring Hotline/Bride & Groom’s West "Wedding Ring Hotline is a Spotlight Best Buy" says the authors of Bridal Bargains.  Call 1-800-985-RING(7464) for the highest quality wedding rings at the lowest prices anywhere.  We also carry GIA  and IGI certified diamonds.  Call for a free price quote.  Good Luck to all brides & grooms to be!

Could you please give me an approximate price for an emerald cut VS1/VVS2 diamond of E color and between 1.5 and 2.0 carats. Preferably about 1.75 or so, since I believe that 2.0 carats jump considerably in price.  Also, I have a couple of questions, if you don’t mind.  Is it true that certified diamonds cost more than non-certified.  My guess is that they should a little, since the lab has to be paid, etc., but by how much should the price increase?  Also, which is the most reliable or respected diamond grading lab (i.e. HRD, IGI, AGI, etc.) Thank you very much

Response:

My future fiance and I went diamond shopping this past weekend and I wanted to make sure that the price which we were quoted for the diamond that we wanted was a fair one – so hopefully someone out there  has extended knowledge of diamonds and their market value and can give me some insight. We wanted a .75 carat diamond – Princess cut – VVS1 – G color  and were quoted a price of about $3300 – this does not include the extra $1300 for the setting that we chose.  Is this a fair price? thanks! nancy http://www.ax.com/users/nnguyen               "The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious       _|/_      encroachment by men of zeal, well-meaning but       (o o)          without understanding."  -Justice Louis D. Brandeis

Response:

We wanted a .75 carat diamond – Princess cut – VVS1 – G color  and were quoted a price of about $3300 – this does not include the extra $1300 for the setting that we chose.  Is this a fair price?

Nancy, I dunno much about diamonds (except that I like them :) .  I have a 0.5 carat diamond, pear cut, VS1, D color, and we paid around $2100 for it about a year and a half ago.  What I’ve been told (and this makes sense) is this: often loose diamonds are quoted as price/carat.  Because high quality larger stones are harder to find, the price per carat goes up esponentially as you go to the larger stones.  For example, if a 1/2 carat is $1000, often a 3/4 carat of the same quality is more than $1500.  I may be wrong, but this is what my jeweler told us when we bought.  Now, what the heck this has to do with you, I dunno – but I’m having a good day, and feel like babbling. :) Probably the best thing to do is go to another jeweler, and shop the same diamond around.  You’ll get a better idea of the fairness. One extra note.  I was recently told by another jeweler (the one who designed my wedding band) that you can not discern the difference between VS1 and VVS1 with the naked eye.  So maybe you can, if you’re looking to save money (aren’t we all?), look at some VS1 stones and see if you find something for a bit less money that you can be happy with. Anyway, it’s quite possible that NONE of this was useful.  Oh well. :) At any rate, HAVE FUN! :)  You’ll only do this once in your life – enjoy it! My $0.02. Dina Anderson (5/26/96 – mailing invitations Monday! :)

Response:

<We wanted a .75 carat diamond – Princess cut – VVS1 – G color  and were <quoted a price of about $3300 – this does not include the extra $1300 for <the setting that we chose.  Is this a fair price? Nancy, I think the price you were quoted was a pretty fair price, especially if it was from a retail jewelry store. However, I think that you can do a little better if you do some more shopping around. You didn’t say if the stone you saw was certified by a gemological lab like G.I.A., I.G.I. or E.G.L. I carry a large selection of diamonds and I have a couple that I thought you might be interested in.  I can give you specs on many more princess cuts diamonds as well.     .93 carat princess cut certified by the I.G.I.       F color/VVS2 clarity, excellent cut.  Your cost $3,750.00.     .80 carat princess cut (not yet certified)     G-H color/VS1 clarity.   Your cost  $2,600.00     .70 carat princess cut (not yet certified)     G color/VS clarity.  Your cost $2,300.00 All of our stones come with a 7 day money back guarantee.  There is no sales tax on orders shipped outside New Jersey. I also carry a large selection of 14kt, 18kt, and platinum mountings that might be considerably less than the $1300.00 you were quoted.  When even carry settings made by designers like Scott Kay, Jewels by Star, Goldman, etc… Give me a call at 1-800-985-RING(7464) for more information and pricing. Good Luck! Mitch Slachman Wedding Ring Hotline/Bride & Groom’s West "Wedding Ring Hotline is a Spotlight Best Buy" says the authors of Bridal Bargains.  Call 1-800-985-RING(7464) for the highest quality wedding rings at the lowest prices anywhere.  We also carry GIA  and IGI certified diamonds.  Call for a free price quote.  Good Luck to all brides & grooms to be!

Response:

 First of all, I would agree with Dina in that you are paying a considerable premium for the VVS1 grade. The vast majority of diamonds sold today are in the SI1 – SI3 clarity grading.  The inclusions are minimal if visible to the naked eye at all and the sparkle, beauty and refraction is the same as a VVS1.   But, if your set on a VVS1, here’s the skinny: first and foremost find out who graded it.  The only diamond gradings worth anything are from Independent Grading Labs – people whose sole business is grading, not selling. The most respected are EGL Los Angeles, GIA New York, and HRD Belgium. Your jeweler should not only be familiar with them, but every good quality diamond he sells should already be graded by them. If he tries to give you some story about him grading it and you don’t need gradings from independent labs – take your business elsewhere.  Next, check the grading certificate for the cut proportions.  These have as much to do with the diamond’s brilliance and light refraction as anything else. You should look for three percentages: table, crown and pavilion.  The Ideal cut will have a table between 53% and 57%, a crown of 16.2% and a pavilion of 43.1%.  Variances of more than 2 percentage points will begin to significantly affect the diamond’s value.  The certificate should rate the proportions as good to very good and the symetry as good to very good.   If the above gradings all check out, the price you’ve quoted of $3,300 is fair for retail.  I’m curious as to the setting you picked for $1,300. A solitaire 14K white or yellow gold ring setting should run around $175. Unless you’re adding more stones in the setting, I’m not sure what justifies that price.   If you’re interested in shopping, we have several diamonds between .75 and 1.0 carat, good proportions and various grading levels between $1,800 and $3,000.  I’d be happy to help in any way – even just to make sure you get the best deal locally. For the Absolute Diamond Exchange Dave

Response:

RE: Buying a Diamond… The best way to shop for a diamond is to do just that–shop! When buying a diamond of the quality described here, it’s always best to have a certificate from a respected gem lab. The GIA is the most respected one in the US. When writing my book, I did much research into diamonds and worked closely with the GIA. It’s really important that you do your homework and understand how diamonds are graded and how the grade(s) of your diamond effects the price you’ll pay. Without a doubt, the "make"–cut, proportioning, and finish of the diamond is the most important factor to consider when buying a beautiful stone. Tiffany’s in its brochure says that, "Cut,more than any other factor, determines the brilliance and beauty of your diamond." In the chapter I wrote on diamonds, I did a "Diamond Comparison Checklist" chart that I will be glad to send to anyone who needs it.Take it with you when you shop. I think it will be an invaluable tool in helping select the right diamond for you! All the best, Deb McCoy, Author, "For the Bride" for more info, free book offer, Bride’s Directory, Honeymoons, visit: http://www.gate.net/~bridea2z/wedding.htm

Response:

Mary Rose

Question:

I purchased a Mary Rose Hybrid Tea last summer and due to sickness was not able to plant it until last month.  It is doing very well, even blooming like crazy, but I am concerned about its stem size.  Its stems are very small, making it almost want to be like a climber with very flexible stems and small flowers, although they are beautiful.  I am planning on doing a pruning in July for most of my roses to let them go through their second bloom cycle here but am wondering if there is something that I am doing wrong with this rose.  Its blooms are only about 2 maybe 3 inches across and that 3 is really pushing it.  The stems are having a hard time supporting the weight of the roses. Thank you, Chrystal zone 9, USDA, Sunset zone 10 — Chrystal http://www.pe.net/~chrystal/

Response:

says… I purchased a Mary Rose Hybrid Tea last summer and due to sickness was not able to plant it until last month.  It is doing very well, even blooming like crazy, but I am concerned about its stem size.  Its stems are very small, making it almost want to be like a climber with very flexible stems and small flowers, although they are beautiful.  I am planning on doing a pruning in July for most of my roses to let them go through their second bloom cycle here but am wondering if there is something that I am doing wrong with this rose.  Its blooms are only about 2 maybe 3 inches across and that 3 is really pushing it.  The stems are having a hard time supporting the weight of the roses.

Mary Rose is  not a HT but a shrub (Austin) so just treat it like a climber. Bill in Alhambra Calif. 7:56:16 pm  6/2/1999

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – says… I purchased a Mary Rose Hybrid Tea last summer and due to sickness was not able to plant it until last month.  It is doing very well, even blooming like crazy, but I am concerned about its stem size.  Its stems are very small, making it almost want to be like a climber with very flexible stems and small flowers, although they are beautiful.  I am planning on doing a pruning in July for most of my roses to let them go through their second bloom cycle here but am wondering if there is something that I am doing wrong with this rose.  Its blooms are only about 2 maybe 3 inches across and that 3 is really pushing it.  The stems are having a hard time supporting the weight of the roses. Mary Rose is  not a HT but a shrub (Austin) so just treat it like a climber.

I am going to disagree will bill here (and perhaps a whole host of others) on what to do here.  I have found that I can get more cane strentgh in the English roses by cutting back about one third when they are young after their first cycle. The English roses in my garden also get first dibs on the ashes from my fireplace .I work in about three cups per bush and their is a noticable improvement in stem strength after time. Generally it has taken me about 3-4 years before getting all of the strength I would like to see. Oddly enought I have found that in some cases, stem strentgh seems to be easier to obtain on own root plants here, but I also wonder if the rootstack of grafted English roses might be the culpirt Mary Rose is very floriferous and has many good points. It also must be noted though that one of its first reactions to stress, especially too little water is to  become highly susceptible to powdery mildew. I have kept her clean for the last 5 years now, having not seen either blackspot or mildew on her. She has been in my garden since 1986. Henry Rankin USDA Zone 5

Response:

I’m afraid I don’t agree with severe pruning for the Austins in Southern California. My Mary Rose is three years old, and pegged out, and is covered with blooms. After the first flush of blooms, I peg out the long canes, so that the laterals will pop out.  It seems to greatly slow down in our periods of great heat, but I water like crazy and lightly feed.  I get another show of blooms in Sept./ Oct.  I never prune as much as 1/3, and usually only shape and clean out crossing or dead canes. Chyrstal–it’s not going to stand upright, proudly supporting it’s flowers like a hybrid tea., don’t worry about the floppiness.  Check dejanews for pegging out roses info. Kate Coe – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – says… I purchased a Mary Rose Hybrid Tea last summer and due to sickness was not able to plant it until last month.  It is doing very well, even blooming like crazy, but I am concerned about its stem size.  Its stems are very small, making it almost want to be like a climber with very flexible stems and small flowers, although they are beautiful.  I am planning on doing a pruning in July for most of my roses to let them go through their second bloom cycle here but am wondering if there is something that I am doing wrong with this rose.  Its blooms are only about 2 maybe 3 inches across and that 3 is really pushing it.  The stems are having a hard time supporting the weight of the roses. Mary Rose is  not a HT but a shrub (Austin) so just treat it like a climber. I am going to disagree will bill here (and perhaps a whole host of others) on what to do here.  I have found that I can get more cane strentgh in the English roses by cutting back about one third when they are young after their first cycle. The English roses in my garden also get first dibs on the ashes from my fireplace .I work in about three cups per bush and their is a noticable improvement in stem strength after time. Generally it has taken me about 3-4 years before getting all of the strength I would like to see. Oddly enought I have found that in some cases, stem strentgh seems to be easier to obtain on own root plants here, but I also wonder if the rootstack of grafted English roses might be the culpirt Mary Rose is very floriferous and has many good points. It also must be noted though that one of its first reactions to stress, especially too little water is to  become highly susceptible to powdery mildew. I have kept her clean for the last 5 years now, having not seen either blackspot or mildew on her. She has been in my garden since 1986. Henry Rankin USDA Zone 5

Response:

I have to agree with Henry here, Mary Rose does very well for me only if cut back hard after each bloom cycle. My 4 year old bush is about 5 ft wide and I keep it pruned down to about 5 ft tall. It makes big flushes of lushly scented roses on good strong stems. Definately feed and water as heavily as you would an HT.

Response:

I’m afraid I don’t agree with severe pruning for the Austins in Southern California. My Mary Rose is three years old, and pegged out, and is covered with blooms.

Kate, Thanks for answering. I will look up pegging roses on Deja News.  My next question would be, does this rose like to be deadheaded or should I allow the buds to fall off on their own. Thanks, Chrystal — Chrystal Eshelman http://www.pe.net/~chrystal/

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’m afraid I don’t agree with severe pruning for the Austins in Southern California. My Mary Rose is three years old, and pegged out, and is covered with blooms. Kate, Thanks for answering. I will look up pegging roses on Deja News.  My next question would be, does this rose like to be deadheaded or should I allow the buds to fall off on their own. Thanks, Chrystal — Chrystal Eshelman http://www.pe.net/~chrystal/

In my humble experience Austins love deadheading Guido

Response:

It’s my understanding that MR’s seeds are usually fertile, but if you don’t want the plant to set hips, deadhead to get more flowers.  I’ve only played with seeds for a one year, so I’m next to illiterate on raising roses from seed. Kate Coe – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Guido

Response:

All my English roses have done better since we’ve been getting rainier winters in southern CA.  I’ve grown MaryRose twice.  At my first house, MR grew to be 7ft. the second year, so I pruned it hard the following winter.  I found it did not bloom as weel in its third year.  Afterthat I pruned it back after each bloom cycle, but basically allowed it to slowly get to 6 ft. or so by late fall.  It seemed to bloom, rest, then bloom two more cycles with no flowers in between.  However, in my new garden which has a richer soil and a good watering system, my new MR seems to be continually in bloom.  Same for Redoute, the light pink sport which is slightly bigger-scaled and more cabbagey & fragrant. Both these English roses are turning out to be fantastic performers here and seem to be keeping up with my Teas and Chinas.  I think El Nino and La Nina and our new lengthy winters/springs have made these English roses very happy. –candace

Response:

Well, all my rose growing friends….This year the winner in who can bloom longest in my garden is Mary Rose.  This morning I picked 2 blossoms to bring to work and their fragrance is wafting all about.  Mary Rose bloomed long into the fall for me last year but the winner was Heritage, who bloomed will into the first week of Dec.  Alas, the voles ate away the roots of my Heritage and though I replaced it, it is still too small to bloom  into the fall.   I’d be interested in other Zone 7 gardeners (or any gardeners, for that matter!) who still have blossoms.

My Heritage still has blooms…and I’m in Zone 5.  (but it’s been a mild fall so far.)  Interesting to know that it’s a late bloomer, so to speak, in other gardens as well…what others  (Austins or otherwise) have this characteristic?

Response:

Haile) writes: I’d be interested in other Zone 7 gardeners (or any gardeners, for that matter!) who still have blossoms.

I’m in San Antonio (zone 8b, or 9 if the winter is mild) and still have scads of blooms.  Sombreuil just finished (our last rain knocked the petals off), Bettye Prior is blooming and still has two unopened buds, Vincent Godsif and Ducher are blooming and loaded with buds, Coquette de Blanche has three, and Lafter one last one.  Red Cascade is loaded with blooms and my adopted red mini has one bloom.  Ole is losing the last petals of the last bloom – also Georgetown Tea. And Sweet Vivian opened her last bloom.  With any luck Marie van Houtte will open the bud she had on her when I found her at the nursery and planted her last week. All of my roses are young – can’t wait to see what they’ll do next year! When I grew up in New York, I never thought I’d have roses in December! Lynn

Response:

Here in the San Francisco bay area, hybrid T "secret" is still trying to be covered in blooms.  Unfortunately the buds don’t like the near freezing temps at night and so they look pretty awful.  Last year my sickly overly in-bred "orogold" had a bud for my christmas eve table…. (by no means take this as any kind of recommendation for this variety of rose bush though.) As for my Austins: Graham thomas was sparse in blooms all season and is now happily putting out new canes but no blooms, Abraham Darby was too young to leave his mother (up in Oregon at a well known place….) and gave it’s one and only bloom in August. My "the countryman" which arrived quite prematurely from the same place is still in the neonatal intensive care ward, and is ALMOST taller than the lobelia in the same pot. Needless to say, no blooms at all this year on that baby!   I’m looking forward to springtime already…..                             Juliette ps does anybody have a "the countryman" out there???? I’m dying to know what the Blooms will look like (if it survives the winter!)

Response:

| Haile) writes:

| | I’d be interested in other Zone 7 gardeners (or any gardeners, | for that matter!) who still have blossoms. | | | All of my roses are young – can’t wait to see what they’ll do next year! | When I grew up in New York, I never thought I’d have roses in December! | | Lynn Here in the Hudson Valley we have had a bizarrely mild autumn. The snow and sleet we had last Sunday finished off the last of the Autumn Damask blossoms.  They were just about done anyway.  I guess we don’t have roses in December. Living in Zone 5 with very recent memories of beautiful Damask fragrance, while fearing what a real blast of winter will do to these unhardened canes, Steven

Response:

 I’d be interested in other Zone 7 gardeners (or any gardeners,  for that matter!) who still have blossoms.

Currently blooming in my Zone 8 garden are "Mme Isaac Pereire", "Penelope", "Gruss an Aachen", "Comte de Chambord", "Maybelle Stearns", "Heritage", "Glamis Castle",  "Archiduc Joseph",   "Gold Badge", "Lagerfeld" and "Margaret Merrill".  "Gertrude Jekyll" and "Souvenir de la Malmaison" each have  a couple of buds, but they’re balling and rotting in Seattle’s constant December rain. S. Andrew Schulman Seattle, WA USDA Zone 8

Response:

: I’d be interested in other Zone 7 gardeners (or any gardeners, : for that matter!) who still have blossoms. —      Well, up at Berkeley Botanical, all the teas are still covered in blooms.  The Chinas are courageously putting forth more flowers.   There are still many fat buds on Salet.  Marquise Bocella is still with flowers and buds.  R. roxburghii is also flowering, but nothing compares to the show FJ Grootendorst is putting forth.  Graham Thomas is still going strong (6′X5′ shrub).  Most of the HT’s, Polyanthas, Hybrid Musks, Rugosas, and HP’s have gone to hip.  Reine de Violettes is still producing flowers.  Sombrieul still has some buds.  Heritage is long gone, but Wenlock has a flower or two.  There are also some late flowers intermittently scattered throughout.  Most of the very doubles are damaged and balling from the wet weather. MellowDrama (…still trying to pollinate with the few flowers that are still open….)      ssssss   ssssssss  sss    sss  ssss    s   ssss    ssss     ooo     ssss   oo oo   Darkness Fell And Covered The Brilliance….      ssss   ooo       ssss   s    ssss  sss    sss                                                          Q.   ssssssss    ssssss

Response:

In reply to Bess’s question about the latest-blooming rose, I am a Zone 8 gardener (I think…it is hard to tell here in the Cascade foothills) and my longest blooming roses were my two Secrets. I finally had to strip their leaves to discourage their profligate bloom. VooDoo, Paradise, and New Day all bloomed through November but their scent was diminished. My Austens stoppped blooming in early October, but they are one-year-old plants so I won’t worry yet about the sparseness of their blooms.     I was appalled by the death of your Heritage, Bess, due to voles eating its roots. I have plenty of voles around here in the woods, but I have never heard of them bothering roses. Perhaps only their Virginia cousins have such gourmet tastes? Cheers, Brooke                               == w ==         )                                        (((((((                                ^^ ^^     ^^ ^^ "If a man could be crossed with a cat, it would improve the man but deteriorate the cat."  Mark Twain

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Well, all my rose growing friends….This year the winner in who can bloom longest in my garden is Mary Rose.  This morning I picked 2 blossoms to bring to work and their fragrance is wafting all about.  Mary Rose bloomed long into the fall for me last year but the winner was Heritage, who bloomed will into the first week of Dec.  Alas, the voles ate away the roots of my Heritage and though I replaced it, it is still too small to bloom  into the fall.   I’d be interested in other Zone 7 gardeners (or any gardeners, for that matter!) who still have blossoms. Sniffing and Picking in her Zone 7 garden in upper Tidewater Virginia, along the Rappahannock River, Bess

I am in zone 9, San Diego County.  My Mary Rose is still blooming quite well, as well as Penelope and Darlows Enigma.  Several of the HTs are still blooming as well.  The rugosas have all set hips and are getting some fall color.  We have had a couple of hard frosts with some more forecast for this week, but overall we have had our usual winter temps. Last year Darlow’s Enigma bloomed all through the winter and it looks like it will again this year.   Linda USDA zone 9, Sunset zone 21

Response:

Bess, an update from San Antonio.  Our weather has been obscenely warm, and Ole has just set two more buds!  Also, my paperwhites are blooming and my grape hyacinths are now 2" tall in just 7 days since I planted them. Lynn

Response:

: ps does anybody have a "the countryman" out there???? I’m dying to know : what the Blooms will look like (if it survives the winter!) Juliette — OUR ‘The Countryman’ was rescued last winter from a "bad home," having lived for several years (somehow) in a five-gal. container.  Planted in-ground, it DID bloom in the springtime — nicely-scented blooms that have a SIMILAR look to those of ‘Comte de Chambord,’ but not (IMHO) of as fine a quality.  The plant is VERY thorny, and definitely wants to grow as a low climber — canes pulled out horizon- tally or self-pegged — and we have pruned and tied it in that manner with high hopes for next year.  However, I must say that — at this point — if I could only have one of the two, I’d stick to ‘Compte de Chambord,’ who NEVER stopped blooming all year!   Jeri Collari, Coastal SoCalif. (where the Teas and Chinas and The Dark

Response:

To my dear fellow rosarians, Well, I thought for sure the roses would be done in my garden by now.  I’m on the line between zone 7 and 6 in upper tidewater VA. (as I’m fond of claiming, I think the garden is in zone 7 and the bedroom is in zone 6) Well, Mary Rose is still blooming but Dainty Bess opened up a dozen new blossoms this weekend.  So, it’s a tie, right now, though I do remember another Christmas when one Mary Rose blossom was still open Christmas week and darned if it didn’t freeze dry in a sudden cold snap. I brought it in and set it in a bowl of potpourri.   Bess Haile Trying to steal a little more yard for a new rose bed this spring in her zone 7 garden in Essex County, VA

Response:

Well, all my rose growing friends….This year the winner in who can bloom longest in my garden is Mary Rose.  This morning I picked 2 blossoms to bring to work and their fragrance is wafting all about.  Mary Rose bloomed long into the fall for me last year but the winner was Heritage, who bloomed will into the first week of Dec.  Alas, the voles ate away the roots of my Heritage and though I replaced it, it is still too small to bloom  into the fall.   I’d be interested in other Zone 7 gardeners (or any gardeners, for that matter!) who still have blossoms. Sniffing and Picking in her Zone 7 garden in upper Tidewater Virginia, along the Rappahannock River, Bess

Response:

I still have a few blooms on "Heritage," "Abraham Darby," "Othello" (a little surprisingly), and the tea "Lady Hillingdon." Two of my "Fair Bianca"s and my hybrid tea "Carmen" have one good-sized flower each. Most of them look fairly crepe-y and hangdog, but there you are–a rose is a rose. Boyd Zone 7

Response: